


This is How We Fall Apart

by LamiaCalls



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, Romance, Tags May Change, having fun with crack ships, liberal application of ages for marauder-era characters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-01-06 05:32:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18381971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LamiaCalls/pseuds/LamiaCalls
Summary: James Potter was not Lily's first love. It wasn't even Severus Snape.





	1. Hidden Charms

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So, as tags suggest, I have massaged the ages -- Lucius would not be a year above Lily, but hey ho.
> 
> Mostly, this was born of thinking about the fact that people are sometimes wildly different in high school than they are in their adult lives.

Lily Evans crept round the door, eyes wide as she surveyed the room. She really didn’t want to be here, and was feeling a little self-conscious. She was wearing one of her nicer robes, a dark red number that James “I’m a Giant Twat” Potter had complimented her on as she left the Gryffindor Common Room. But she didn’t hold that against the robe, or tried not to at least.

Slughorn’s usual gatherings were small, just her and a scant few other students. But this was the Slug Club’s Christmas party and, apparently, no expense had been spared. She inched inside, hoping not to be noticed by anyone, though she couldn’t help but gaze up at faces she recognised from The Daily Prophet as she passed them.

She made it all the way to the corner of the room when she heard the booming voice of Horace Slughorn behind her.

“Oh, and if it isn’t one of my most promising students,” he said. “Phillius, you must meet Lily Evans! She is rather marvellous.”

Lily turned and gave her best smile to Slughorn and the stranger next to him.

“Phillius here runs the most wonderful potions shop in old Paris, and was a Slug Club member himself in his day. Wasn’t that right, Phillius?”

Phillius was a middle-aged man, tall and dark-haired. Not bad looking, but the way he looked at Lily made her want to pull her robe over her head. She kept her smile stuck on dutifully.

“A pleasure, I’m sure,” he said, and held out his hand, palm up.

It took a long moment before Lily muttered “oh!” and held out her own hand for him to kiss.

Kiss? More like snog. He was down there far too long, and, if that wasn’t bad enough, he looked her straight in the eye while he was there. She gently, but firmly, pulled her arm back.

“Have you ever been to Paris, Ms. Evans?” he said. He had a French accent, but Lily was quite sure it was entirely affected.

“No, I hope to one day,” she said, trying to not make eye contact with him. Her eyes cast around the room looking for an escape, but one was not easily found in the dim lighting and the packs of people gathered. _Drat_.

“I hope you do,” he said, giving her a smile that turned her stomach. “I would be honoured to show you around the city of love.”

“Excuse me,” she said, seeing an escape route. “I better get a drink, quite parched, you know?”

Ignoring the fact she was being rude, and that Slughorn might be unhappy with her not mingling, she elbowed past Phillius and took a deep breath of freedom. Then it was a straight beeline to the drinks table she had spotted.

It was much relief when she got there, and turned to see that Phillius was now talking to Russell Wilkes, who was in the year below Lily and could talk to the hind legs off a donkey. That should keep Phillius busy for now.

Lily was pouring herself a cup of punch when someone came shoulder to shoulder with her.

“May I fill your quota for people slobbering all over your hand this evening, Evans?”

She looked up, and smiled when she saw it was Lucius Malfoy. He looked dapper, as usual, in a plush green velvet cloak, and his hair tied in a neat bun.

“I’m afraid that’s full up,” she said, and gave him a faux concerned look. “But if you would like to just lick it instead, that’s still open.”

“Sounds perfect,” he purred. “I’ve been wondering what you might taste like.”

Lily gasped, her cheeks colouring. She punched him playfully on the arm. “You’re just as bad as he was!”

“I’m not denying it,” he said with a shrug, and grabbed her punch glass before she could bring it to her lips. “Let me brighten up the evening, at least.”

From beneath his robe, he pulled a little silver flask and shook it at her.

“I don’t usually…” she said, then stopped. “Oh, fuck it. This is going to be a rough night, I can tell.”

“Lily Evans, cursing! Whatever is the world coming to?” he said, pouring a few glugs into her glass and handing it back.

She took a sip and frowned.

“You’ve been a bit generous,” she said.

“I have always been the picture of generosity, you know. My halo arrived this morning.”

She rolled her eyes.

It was strange. When she’d first joined the Slug Club at the start of the year, she had expected to loathe Lucius. But he turned out to be alright — he wasn’t nearly as vile to her as the rest of the Slytherins were, at least. Well, except for Sev of course. No, instead Lucius usually made her laugh, and tried to include her on discussions. She got the feeling he actually rather liked her.

It didn’t help that Lucius was exactly her type. Boyish charm, angular, chiseled face. The blonde wasn’t to her tastes, but even with it, he looked positively roguish. And that smile! But she was masterfully good at pushing that crush aside, since she knew he was trouble.

“Do you want to dance?” he said, and held out a hand.

“With you? Never,” she said, shaking her head.

He looked genuinely dejected for a moment, but then winked at her.

“Just wait until you’ve had a few more glasses,” he said grinning. “Then you’ll be begging me to show you my moves.”

She giggled. “You have moves? I can’t even imagine.”

“You’ll see, before the end of the night, I’m sure,” he said. Another wink, and he started to move off.

She sighed. Alone again. She was glad of the Slug Club in some ways. She hated her Common Room, which was always dominated by the every-present rowdy arseholes: Potter, Sirius, Pettigrew, Lupin — although, she actually didn’t mind Lupin. He was sweet sometimes, but he was still always going along with the other three’s odious schemes. She didn’t trust that he wasn’t sometimes the instigator.

And she loved Sev, but he was hard work. Always putting himself down, and being so shady about everything. She was sure he was up to no good, and she worried about him so.

So the Slug Club had become a bit of evening escape. Time to sit around and talk about school, or new magic techniques, or listen to Slughorn drone on while they all shot each other knowing looks.

Lucius had been the first to pull a face at her when Slughorn had said some pompous thing, and she’d had to cover her giggle with a cough. From there, they’d sort of fell in step, as much as Lily would never associate with him outside of the Club — nor would Lucius her, of course. But she had fun with him in their little Slug bubble.

She spotted Penelope, one of the usual Slug Club attendees, across the floor, talking to someone who looked very much like he was a vampire. She knocked her drink back, and went over.

***

Each time Lily went to get herself a drink, Lucius would appear as if _accio_ ’d and pour a little of what she suspected to be vodka in her glass, and each time she turned down his offer to dance. By the fourth drink, she was quite tipsy and everything had softened up on her. She had never been a big drinker, and her tolerance was low.

When she got to the fifth, she batted him away.

“Is it not making this night so much more fun?” he said to her, waggling his eyebrows.

“Not if I get drunk enough to throw up on everyone, no,” she said. She put a hand on his surprisingly muscled arm to steady herself. “Honestly, I’ve had enough if I hope to make it to Arithmancy in the morning.”

“Come dance with me then,” he said, and took her hand.

She shrugged. “Fine, you win.”

He pulled her into the little dance floor, which still had quite a few people on it. He gave her a little spin, which made her even more woozy. He chuckled as she steadied himself.

“Shut up you,” she said.

“So, I have a question for you,” he said, swaying lightly to the music, pulling her with him.

“Yes?”

“Why in Merlin’s name did you ever take Arthimancy? It’s what, you and Barnes and Figgis and La Crois, and that funny little ginger fellow, who take it right? Because no one else was stupid enough to not take the easy ride that is Divination.”

Lily glared at him.

“What?” he said, chuckling. He put a hand on her waist and pulled her in. “We get to drink tea and pretend to see visions. It’s a lark.”

“Well, I wanted a challenge,” she said, looking down her nose at him. Or doing the best approximation when she was half a foot shorter. Then she sighed. “And Professor Wainwright has had it out for me for years. I can’t be in his class, not after he overheard me talking about how marvellously stupid divination is in my last year. It was a full-on rant, went on maybe 5 minutes, and the whole time, I didn’t realise he was right behind us.”

“Oooh,” he said, a pained expression on his face.

He dipped her, and she flailed back up to standing.

“Go easy on me, or I might be throwing up on you,” she said, slapping his arm. He only grinned.

“Word of advice: never talk rubbish about the classes anywhere but in a Common Room,” he said. “Rookie mistake, really.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I do realise that now.”

They danced for a bit in silence, and she laid a head on his shoulder. His cheek was warm against her ear, and comforting.

“Okay, I have question.”

“Another one?” she groaned.

“A real question this time, actually,” he said. He pulled away to look her in the eyes. “So Slughorn has been pretty disappointed with my potion making this year. Says I’m going downhill. And I was wondering if you could help.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. ““How am I meant to help you? Unfortunately, I don’t think I can rub some of my natural-born talents on you.”

“I was thinking of more of a study buddy kind of arrangement,” he said, and then added with a smirk: “But I’d pleased to try the rubbing method.”

Lily’s face suddenly grew _very_ hot. “Not what I meant!”

“I know, but I enjoy teasing you,” he said, chuckling. “Anyway, your lover boy Sev —“

“He’s not my lover boy!” she said, entirely too loudly. A few fellow dancers turned to look at her, and she blushed deeply. She coughed, and lowered her voice: “He’s just a friend.”

“He is obviously in love with you,” he said drolly.

She gave her best withering look, but he only laughed. Lily was pretty sure Severus was _not_ in love with her. He definitely had a crush, but he was lonely. And she had made it abundantly clear that she was not interested.

“Anyway, Sev, lover boy or not, told me that as well as being a dab hand at Potions, you do a little tutoring on the side,” he said.

She frowned. “I help out a few classmates. I haven’t done any real tutoring. Besides, you’re a year ahead, I’ll be well behind.”

“Yes, but you know about all that studying stuff. Come on, it could be fun!”

He looked at her expectantly. She blinked, the alcohol fog in her brain clearing a little.

“Hang on, did you get me drunk so I’d agree to tutor you?” she said, stopping the swaying they were doing.

Lucius held up his hands in objection. “No! I got you drunk because I reckoned you’d be miserable here otherwise. I know I always am. I’m asking now, because well, I heard you were staying here over Christmas, and I am too — father isn’t speaking to me currently — so I thought, you know, maybe…”

She had been hoping to spend her winter break studying for her own classes and catching up on reading for pleasure. But, on the other hand, getting slightly ahead on Potions by learning seventh year techniques could help her as well… And maybe she’d rid herself of her little crush after she’d spent some considerable time with Lucius.

“Wecantrialit,” she said quickly and under her breath, resuming their approximation of dancing.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Lucius said, but he was already grinning.

“I _said_ , we’ll give it a trial. One study session, if you’re a brat, that’ll be it,” she said, and narrowed her eyes at him, challenging him to push her.

“I promise to be on my best behaviour,” he said sweetly.

“That’s what I’m afraid of. Now. Where are these famous Malfoy moves?”

***

Lucius was kind enough to walk her back to the Gryffindor dorms. Lily unlinked her arm with his as they approached the Fat Lady.

“Very gallant of you,” she said.

“Well, I wouldn’t want my lady getting lost and accidentally falling into a suit of armour while drunk,” he said. “Which I did last year, and still have yet to live down the shame.”

“And yet, you’re still telling people you did it?”

He shrugged. “I’m not afraid that you’ll think less of me.”

“It’d be quite impossible for me to do so, after all…”

“Exactly!”

Lily couldn’t help but laugh.

“Anyway thank you, it was actually a nice evening,” she said. She was lingering and she didn’t know why. She should say goodnight and go inside, but for some reason, she couldn’t muster the energy to do so.

“It was lovely,” he agreed.

Then he stepped a little closer to her. Lily froze, looking up into his narrow grey eyes. They were as unreadable as ever. He looked like he might be waiting. She knew she should pull back, but she was rooted to the stop, her mind tumbling with possibilities. And maybe, if she admitted it to herself, a little wanting. Maybe, if she admitted it, she did fancy him more than a little bit. Who can blame her? He was gorgeous.

She realised he was giving her time to escape, so without thinking too much about it, she stepped in to him so there was barely a hair width between them. He gave her a small smile, and then quickly swept down and kissed her.

His mouth was warm and soft, and she found herself kissing him back, her eyes flickering closed. It was a gentle, probing kiss, as if he were asking a question with a flick of his tongue. Her tongue answered.

But as the shock of the moment brought sobriety with it, she realised she was standing outside her Common Room, locking lips with Lucius Malfoy. This seemed like the perfect time for someone to spot them and spread copious amounts of rumours. She quickly pulled away, blushing hard. She looked at him, and he had a gentle smile still on his face — and was that a little colour on his cheeks?

“I better go in,” she said.

“Or you could not,” he said, but it was quiet and not demanding.

“I better,” she repeated, shaking her head. She gave him a shy smile, and turned to go into the Gryffindor dorms.

Her head was positively swimming, and it took her a long time to fall asleep.


	2. Sneaky Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hangovers, Quidditch Matches & Perplexing Conversations in the Library

Lily awoke with a groan to find her dorm mate Madeline Whipsmith poking at her foot.

“What?” Lily moaned, trying to bury her head further into the pillow.

“It’s time for class,” Madeline said, not speaking nearly as quietly as Lily would have liked.

Lily opened her eyes just a crack, glad that the curtains around her bed was closed. Minimal sunlight was what she needed right now: she felt absolutely rotten and was sure she probably looked rotten too.

“Merlin, did you get absolutely licked or something?” Madeline asked, a grin breaking out on her face.

Lily nodded, feeling quite sorry for herself. “It was Slughorn’s party. I think I might be dying.”

Madeline giggled. “Nope, just supremely hungover.”

“Wow,” came another too-loud voice. “Did you just say our Lily _hungover_?!”

Seph Jones appeared in the gap in the curtains, and eyed Lily sceptically. Lily made an effort to sit up, but it was only half-successful, thanks to her swimming head.

“I thought you didn’t drink,” Seph said.

“I don’t…” Lily said. “Didn’t. I was under a bad influence.”

Seph’s smile widened. “Is that bad influence someone we might know? Like, a certain dark-haired boy who at this moment is downstairs fannying about with Sirius Black?”

Lily mustered enough energy to shake her head vehemently. “No! Not Potter! Why do you always think it’s Potter?’

Seph shrugged. “It’s obvious you two are gonna shag eventually.”

Now Lily was _certain_ she’d be sick.

“So who was it?” Madeline asked, poking at her foot again.

“Just a Slug Clubber with a dangerous flask,” Lily sighed.

“How many drinks?” Seph asked.

“Four.”

“Four! And look at the state of you. You have a lower tolerance than Lorenzo,” Seph said, referring to her toad. She couldn’t tell Seph that the hangover was part drink, part shame at this point — but she couldn’t tell _anyone_ about the incident outside the Common Room. “So I take it you won’t be joining us on the pitch this afternoon, if you’re this worse for wear?”

“I will be… Wait, you’re coming too?”

Seph nodded.

“You hate Quidditch,” Lily said.

“I do,” Seph said. “But when you’re dating the Quidditch announcer, you have to show up occasionally. Apparently Rachel’s feelings have been hurt by my absence.”

“Are you going to class or not?” Madeline said impatiently. “If you are, you’ve got 20 minutes to get dressed.”

“I would like to,” Lily said, rubbing her temples. “But I’m afraid I might throw up if I move.”

Seph cackled. “I have just the potion for you. Let me find my vial… It’s the only hangover cure you’ll ever need.”

* * *

The hangover cure — Lily didn’t want to ask what was in it — worked a treat. She still felt fairly nauseous but it was enough to get her through Arthimancy, and her Charms class after.

After a hearty lunch, in which she ate more than usual to try and cover the deep well of shame that was still lingering in her stomach, Lily was shuffling down the aisles of the Quidditch stand seats, arm in arm with Madeline and Seph. The sunlight, thankfully, was hidden behind clouds, as her headache still hadn’t shaken.

“How are you feeling?” Madeline asked, sitting next to her.

“Better,” Lily said, grimacing. “Not quite myself, but better.”

“Don’t I always come through for you?” Seph said, waggling her eyebrows.

“You really do,” Lily said.

Well, it was half-true. Seph was always the one to get Lily into trouble, but she did always get her out of it too.

“Blimey, it’s cold,” Seph said, pulling her robes tighter. “So I brought a book to read, but will you tell me if anything exciting happens? At least then I can feign interest to Rachel.”

The match, for all intents and purposes, was fairly rote. Slytherin and Gryffindor were well-matched in skill, and the scoreboard inched up on both sides as the day proceeded.

Lily was doing her best not to watch Lucius incessantly. Every time the crowd cheered, she’d break free of her reverie and realise she’d been staring at him. Luckily, the girls hadn’t seemed to notice her attention.

He scored once, and she had to cough to cover the cheer that almost escaped her, smiling demurely at Seph’s arched eyebrow.

God, it was practically annoying that he looked so good, his intent focus, his easy moves to grab the ball. She always was a sucker for a boy on a broom, and it didn’t help that she knew now what he tasted like, though she was trying extremely hard to ignore that fact.

The match ended with Gryffindor catching the Snitch, and Lily got up from her seat to cheer with the rest of the stand.

“Is it over?” Seph asked, putting her book down. “Give me the highlight reel.”

Madeline mostly filled her in — thank goodness. Lily hadn’t been paying enough attention to the match at large to really help there.

“Oh, and that Malfoy creep almost knocked James off his broom,” Madeline said.

“What are you smiling at?” Seph asked.

Lily blushed. She hadn’t realised she’d been smiling. “Just deserves to be knocked off his perch, literally or figuratively.”

“Not by that snot-nosed Malfoy, he doesn’t. Merlin, he gives me the willies,” Madeline said, grimacing.

Lily shrugged. “He’s not so bad.”

Lily got up to join the crowd streaming out of the stands, but she didn’t miss Seph and Madeline’s curious glance. She shook her head — stupid stupid, shouldn’t’ve said anything.

“Right,” Seph said, shuffling in front of Lily. “I’ve got to go appease the girlfriend.”

“Why don’t you just tell her you don’t like Quidditch?”

“I don’t not like it,” Seph said, shooting a grin back at Lily. “I _loathe_ it. But she looks so cute when she thinks I’m into something she is, I can’t resist.”

Lily laughed. “My, my, our Sephy has a soft centre.”

“I think we all knew that,” Madeline said drolly.

Seph stuck her tongue out at them. “Keep it to yourself, girls, I don’t need my reputation tarnished.”

Then she swanned down the stairs, pushing second years out of the way as she went.

Madeline went back to the dorm room, and Lily knew if she followed her, she’d not be leaving her bed until tomorrow morning. So instead, she made her way to the library. It was time to sort her notes out from that morning’s lessons.

Her concentration was shot, but she managed to transcribe the first page of her chicken scratch into much more legible entries before she was interrupted.

“Do you ever take a break?” Lucius asked, swinging into the chair opposite her.

She glared up at him. “No, and that’s why I’m tutoring you, not the other way round.”

Both his eyebrows shot up.

“Isn’t someone a little bit feisty today?”

Lily sighed, put down her quill.

“Sorry,” she said.

“That’s alright,” he said, with an easy smile. “Were you at the match today?”

“Of course, I never miss one” she said.

“Ah, so it _was_ you checking me out from the stands then.”

Lily’s entire face felt like the surface of the sun.

“No — I — how did you —“ Lily stammered.

Lucius started laughing, and Lily stopped her stuttering short.

“I was only teasing,” he said lightly. “Although from your reaction…I’m guessing there was _some_ checking out in play.”

_SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT._ She closed her eyes. Of _course_ it was a joke, no way would he have spotted her.

“No,” she said, a little too forcefully. “I was kidding too.”

“Right, right…” he said, still with that stupid grin on his face. Clearly she wasn’t very convincing.

“What do you want, anyway?” she said, trying to change the subject so her face wouldn’t spontaneously combust from how hard she was blushing. She must have looked like a very unattractive tomato at this point.

Lucius shrugged, his eyes trained on hers. “I wanted to say hello. And, I suppose, check you didn’t forget our tutoring agreement yesterday. Which it seems you haven’t.”

“No, I haven’t,” Lily said. “I wasn’t _that_ drunk.”

“It seemed like you might have been,” Lucius said slowly, searching her face. She tried not to squirm under the intensity of his gaze. “Given our, you know, goodbye.”

She hadn’t thought it possible to turn even redder, but she was wrong. Her eyes darted around the library, but no one else was there, thank Merlin.

He got up and moved around the table, and Lily froze. Then he sat down next to her, but he was leaning away, giving her space. She let out a breath. She thought he was going to kiss her again, out in the open. She didn’t even want to consider what she would do in that scenario.

“It was very unexpected,” Lucius said. His voice was a whisper, but he was watching her intently still. “I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t a little drunk. I assumed I’d be rebuffed…it was a surprise.”

“Unexpected,” she repeated back to him, struggling to look away from him. “Surprise. Yes.”

“I just wanted…to check,” Lucius said. God, she wished he would stop staring into her eyes. “Whether I should apologise for anything.”

Her eyebrows made a run from her hairline.

“Apologise?” she said quickly, her senses coming back to her, little by little. “What do you mean?”

“You were drunk,” he said. “I was too, but. I hope I didn’t take advantage of the situation, is all. If I did, I wanted to say sorry.”

Lily couldn’t remember the last time she was this speechless. She blinked at him. Was this some kind of game? What the hell was he up to? This was not… not the Lucius she knew, all vulgarities and flirtations, nor the Lucius she heard of through the grapevine. He was different than his rumours let on, but she was pretty sure a lot of them were true.

“No, you don’t need to apologise,” she said slowly, testing the weight of each word as she said it. “It was okay. It was…fine.”

He looked at her a little longer, and she wasn’t sure if he wanted more out of her. Then he nodded, and finally a little smirk appeared.

“I was hoping it was a little better than _fine_ , but I’ll take it I suppose,” he said. “Better than ‘repulsive’ or ‘Merlin, what a creep’. All compliments I’ve received before now.”

Lily breathed in relief. Back to normal. Back to safe ground.

“You know you have an oversharing problem, don’t you?” Lily said. “You really shouldn’t advertise this stuff.”

Was that a little blush on his cheeks? He shrugged, clearly trying to seem more nonchalant than Lily reckoned he actually felt.

“It only seems to come out when I’m around you,” Lucius said.

She saw something in his face then, but he got up too quickly for her to really process what it could be.

“Good,” Lucius said, with a tone of finality. “With that out of the way, Christmas break starts tomorrow?”

Lily nodded, trying to catch his eye, but now he was looking around the library.

“I guess I better get used to this room,” he said, and made a disgusted face.

Lily laughed.

“The Potions room, too,” Lily said. “And let us hope we don’t get caught by Slughorn.”

“His star Potions pupil, and his friend’s son? I think we’ll be fine,” Lucius said. “Shall we meet on Saturday, in here? Say 3, time to lie in?”

Lily blinked at him. “You’re eager.”

Now that _definitely_ was a blush, light though it was.

“The quicker we get to it, the sooner I can put my studious days behind me,” he said.

“It’ll be fun,” Lily said. “I promise.”

It looked like Lucius might say something, but then he just nodded. “I’ll leave you to it.”

She watched him strut out of the library, then closed her eyes and flopped her head down on the desk.

Lucius was truly a boy of many surprises. She didn’t know if that made her feel better or worse. Much easier, she supposed, if he was a jerk and she could hate him. She definitely didn’t like that blooming feeling inside her chest that spoke of crushes and kisses and and and and.

“Merlin,” she sighed. “What have I gotten myself in to?”


	3. The First of Many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Holidays, Uncomfortable Conversations & The Lingering Tastes of Impatience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay between chapters -- I've been travelling and up to all sorts for the last few months.
> 
> New chapters will now be posted every Tuesday!

Christmas holiday was usually Lily’s favourite time at Hogwarts. But after lunch on Saturday morning, she said goodbye to Seph and Madeline who stood bundled up in front her, and she just could not stop fidgeting.

“Are we keeping you from something, Lil?” Seph asked, punching her lightly in the arm.

Lily tried not to blush, and looked away from the clock in their dorm room.

“No! I’m just…you know, checking how much time we have left together,” she said, trying to sound as sweet as possible.

“Awh, Lily!” Maddy said, while Seph pretended to vomit.

“I still don’t understand why you’re staying,” Seph said. “Are you fighting with Puke-tunia again?”

Lily grimaced. “No, and I’m gonna spend Christmas eve and day with them, but Petunia did book a holiday for the family…and only got three tickets.”

“What a roach,” Seph said, shaking her head. “Do you want me to go hex her?”

“You know, I never know when you’re being serious,” Lily said.

“I’m always serious.”

Madeline nudged Seph in the ribs.

“We’re really gonna miss you, anyway. See you next year?” Madeline offered.

“You better write to me, both of you,” Lily said. She hugged them both tightly, ignoring Seph trying to squirm out of her grasp. “Love you both.”

“Love you too,” Madeline said, grabbing her trunk from her bed. “Merry Christmas!”

“Yeah, same,” Seph managed, following Madeline out.

Then Lily was alone, and she sighed, looking around the room. It was a bombsight, thanks to Seph’s interesting packing “technique”, which involved throwing everything out of her wardrobe and onto the floor before deciding what to put in her trunk.

She looked at the clock again. 2.45. She would be meeting Lucius very soon.

She had been having second thoughts since lunch. Watching him across the Great Hall, with his Slytherin buddies who would call Lily “mudblood” as soon as look at her… Could he really be that different from them? Sure he was always nice to her, but…

But he was more than nice to her. That’s pretty much what was scaring her. Even at Slug Club, where she got to see a different side to him, she still couldn’t line up the Lucius she knew and the Lucius the rumours talked about.

She left her dorm room, trying to stamp her doubts down, and made her way towards the library.

“Wait up, Professor Evans,” someone called from behind her.

She turned around, planting a hand on her hip. No more time for doubts.

“Oh, knock it off,” she said, rolling her eyes.

He was dressed so much more casual than usual. The robe was still ostentatious and read money, but underneath, she couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow as she spotted his jeans.

He caught up to her, his signature smirk plastered on his face.

“Shall we head straight down to the Potions room?” he asked. He sounded innocent, but she wasn’t sure his intentions were.

“I have no idea about Seventh Year Potions,” she said, and began walking up to the library door. “So we’ll do some book learning first.”

He stuck his tongue out in disgust. “Yeuch, books.”

“I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much you’ll like it,” she said, pushing the door open. She could only see the librarian; apparently nobody else was eager to spend their first day of the Christmas holiday in the stacks.

“We’ll see about that.”

  
***

It quickly became clear that Lucius most certainly did not enjoy book learning. She watched him fidget as she read up on what they’d be doing, and finally she couldn’t take his finger thrumming on the table any longer.

“Fine, let’s go,” she said with a sigh.

He practically jumped out of his seat.

“To the Potions Room!” he said, with much more gusto than necessary.

He led the way out of the library, and held the door open for her.

“You were the one who said you’d have to get used to this room, remember?” she said. “Eventually we will have to study.”

He shrugged. “I was trying to seem compliant yesterday. Now I’m sure you’re tutoring me, I can unleash my true feelings.”

“Oh, the horror,” she said. They reached the end of the corridor. “If I’d have known that—“

“Um, _Lily_?”

As they rounded the corner, they found themselves only a few feet away from one Severus Snape. Lily grimaced, and she flicked a glance at Lucius, whose usual gallant smile was fading.

“Sev,” she said. She forced a smile. Severus’ expression was stony, and he regarded the two of them with the suspicion that Lily usually only saw on Jenkins, the caretaker. “We were just coming from the library.”

His gaze fixed on her, sparing only a moment to look down at the book she had cradled in her arms.

“With Malfoy?” Severus said. His shoulders were practically up to his ears, that was never a good sign. “What were you doing there?”

“Having a threesome with the librarian,” Lucius offered, and Lily had never wanted to punch him in the arm as much as she did right then. “We were obviously studying, you dolt.”

Severus’ eyes darkened, and Lily gave a laugh that she knew was utterly unconvincing. But she had to try and diffuse the tension somehow.

“I’m tutoring him, Sev,” she said gently. “In Potions.”

“Well, if it’s about Potions, maybe I can come along and help” Severus said, puffing his chest out. He had yet to successfully wipe the look off disgust off his face. “After all, I _am_ the best in our year.”

Lily watched Lucius’ eyes flash with something she didn’t recognise.

“Three’s a crowd, Sev, you never heard that?” he said, with an easy smile. “Besides, Lily’s more than capable, I’m sure.”

Severus narrowed his eyes, and Lily thought for a hopeless second that he might try to hex Lucius, especially when she saw his fingers flex. But luckily, he didn’t. Instead, he huffed and began to walk off.

“Sev,” Lily called. “Sev!”

She caught up to him after only a few paces, and grabbed his sleeve to stop him.

“What’s wrong, Sev?” she said, as if she didn’t know the answer. “It’s only a bit of tutoring, it’s not a big deal.”

“Oh really?” he said. “You should have seen the looks on your faces when you saw me. Like you’d been caught doing something.”

Lily sighed. “I was surprised, is all. Besides, neither one of us want people to think we’re friends. Lucius just needed some help.”

Severus seemed to consider this for a moment, but then the sneer was back. Merlin, was she tired of that sneer these days.

“How do you even know each other? I didn’t think you’d be cosying up to the likes of _him_.”

Lily hazarded a glance back, but Lucius was still standing where she’d left him, though he had an eyebrow cocked towards them.

“No one is cosying up, for Merlin’s sake,” she said. “We’re in Slug Club together, you know that. And Slughorn is a big fan of us helping each other out, that’s all.”

Severus wasn’t quick enough to wipe the jealously off his face, before Lily could see it. She knew his feelings on not being invited to the Slug Club, though she had tried to calm him down about the whole matter.

“Look, we need to get down to the Potions room, but you and I will catch up later, okay?”

Severus shrugged and looked defeated. “Fine.”

She gave him a quick pat on the shoulder as he stalked off towards the library. Though she couldn’t see his face, she did see Lucius’ unimpressed glare as they passed each other.

“I’m sorry,” Lucius said. Lily was surprised before he followed it with: “I didn’t realise I had to get a permission slip from Severus before I could talk to you.”  
She rolled her eyes.

“It’s not like that,” she said, falling into step with him as they went down the stairs. “He’s just, you know, a bit sensitive about stuff.”

“I think you mean, ‘in love with you,’” Lucius said, and flashed her a grin.

She punched him in the arm for real this time, and he gave an exaggerated wince.

“Will you knock it off? We’re just friends,” she said.

Something in her face must have told him she was serious (or maybe it was the punch, she couldn’t be sure) because he said, “Sorry, I won’t bring it up.”

Lily didn’t say anything until they reached the second staircase, leading them to the ground floor.

“So, why haven’t you gone home for Christmas?” she said, quickening her steps down the staircase. The sooner they were out of the main entrance, the less chance of anyone seeing them together. Sev was enough suspicion for one day.

“Oh,” Lucius said. He cleared his throat, and she noticed his shoulders lift a few inches. He seemed — well, positively _awkward_. “Just a disagreement.”

“Is that all I’m getting out of you?” she said, elbowing him lightly.

“Sorry,” he said, and gave her a meagre little shrug. His face was drawn, and he was looking straight ahead rather than at her. Lily sucked in a breath that she didn’t release until he finally spoke again: “What about you? What’s keeping you from the Evans family Christmas?”

“Oh, that’s a long story,” she said. “Well, not so much long as not very exciting. I’ll be spending Christmas Day with them, though. So that’ll be something.”

“What are Muggle Christmases like?” he said, leading her down the hallway towards the Potions rooms.

She frowned. “Well, they’re the same, really. Well. Actually, I’ve never been to a non-Muggle Christmas to compare, but I gather they are about the same. Here we are, then.”

They had finally made it to an empty Potions classroom. She grabbed her wand, and muttered the incantation to light the candles. Lucius shut the door behind them, and for the first time, she really felt the weight of her terrible decision making skills. There they were, alone in an empty classroom that no other student was likely to come into. The room seemed much too dark, the candles giving an almost romantic air to the whole affair. Her shoulders tensed, and she clenched her hands as she heard his footsteps behind her, scared he might scoop her up for another kiss.

But thankfully, he walked past her towards the cauldron at the top of the room.

“Right, where are we starting?” he said brightly.

Lily let out a shaky breath. She was being silly. This was just about studying, and he’d already apologised for kissing her. She would just have to relax.

“Let me grab the ingredients and let’s see your moves,” she said.

He was so much looser by the cauldron than he had been up in the library. He made her laugh as he tried to do fancy swishes of the bottle, though less so when he accidentally splashed a little bat essence at her.

She sat on the table and watched him work, occasionally giving him pointers on how better to apply the ingredients. Mostly, they were tips she herself had picked up from Severus.

When it was done, she came to take a sniff, leaning over the cauldron. She startled slightly when he felt her move behind her, his abdomen pressed against her back.

“Is it any good, Professor Evans?” he said into her ear.

A shiver went through her. She cleared her throat.

“Seems good. Smells right, looks right,” she nodded, trying to swallow her jangling nerves. She hadn’t been this close to a boy since she’d broken up with Ernie Sampson last year. Well, not this close while she was sober, anyway.

“You know, I’ve been wondering something,” she said, turning around. Thankfully, Lucius took a step back then.

“And what would that be?”

“Why you would ask me, of all people, to help you?” she said slowly.

He shrugged, and fiddled with some vials on the desk next to them.

“You have a definite talent for Potions,” he said, clearly trying to sound casual despite his fidgeting. “And you’re here over Christmas.”

“But Sev was right earlier, you could have asked him. He’s much better than me.“

“You’ve got me there, Evans,” he said, flicking his eyes towards her. “But I’d much rather look at you than Sev’s mug, any day.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, that’s the reason? You just wanted a pretty face?”

“No,” he said. He stepped back in close, and her breath caught in her throat.

She put a hand flat against his chest and immediately regretted it. His heat trickled into her fingers, and she could feel his heartbeat, slightly fast. As if in response, she felt her own thudding, trying to break out of her chest to meet his. She wanted to move her hand, to feel the full width of his chest, and her hand shook in effort as she tried to stop herself from doing just that.

“Lucius, this is a terrifically bad idea,” she said. Even she could hear how reedy her voice had become, how little weight was behind her words. She stared up into those stormy eyes, and she knew she wanted to kiss him again.

“All the best ones are,” he purred.

He didn’t move, but he didn’t need to. She could feel her insides reacting, that tickling, distracting feeling in her groin, that flushing of her face.

“Lucius—“

He interrupted her with a kiss. This one had more passion behind it than the first, and now she was stone cold sober, she knew she had no excuses for not pulling away. But she didn’t want to, couldn’t bring herself to if she tried. His mouth was sweet, it tasted like strawberries. Her hand reached up to brush through his hair of its own accord. She pressed her whole self against his chest, strong and warm. His hand snaked around her waist, pulling her even closer until there was not a Veela’s hair width between them.

When he pulled back, Lily was out of breath and she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. It made her insides dance to hear his pants, too.

“Does that answer your question?” he said.

“Definitely the pretty face, then,” she said. She gave him a small smile, trying to diffuse the tension, but his mouth pulled downwards on one side.

“No, that’s not — that’s not what I meant,” he said, brows knitted together. He actually looked a little self-conscious; he wasn’t making eye contact for once — instead he looked past the top of her head, to the back of the room — and he was biting his lip. “I hope you know, it’s not just that.”

She nodded. She wanted so much for him to say more, to say — what? That he liked her, perhaps. But she also didn’t want them to stray into that kind of territory. A kiss could just be a kiss.

Her hand was still tangled in his locks and he clutched her still, one hand on the small of her back. He leaned in again, and she rose on her tiptoes to meet him.  
She pulled away properly this time, as his hot tongue streaked into her mouth. She took a step back until her butt hit the cauldron behind her.

“This is a really bad,” she said, her face flushing.

“So you said.” He stayed planting where he was. Which was good. She was pretty sure she wouldn’t say no if he made another move.

“I think, uh, I think we should probably adjourn. We can do more work tomorrow. Potions only, though, none of…this.”

Lucius looked disappointed for a second, but then his smile was back, the shutters down on those needful eyes so she couldn’t read them.

“Alright, that sounds good. Shall we meet down here?”

Lily knew that they should probably meet in the library, where the librarian would at least reduce the opportunities for any more fraternisation.  
Instead though, she found herself agreeing.

Then she gathered up her bag and exited. She expected him to grab her on her way out, but he didn’t. _Good_ , she tried to tell herself, ignoring the pang in her stomach that so desperately wanted to return to that warm embrace. _Good_.


	4. Further Than Expected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Confidantes, Interesting Advice and Potions Study Cut Short

Down in the Great Hall, one of the few other people in Lily’s year at the Gryffindor table come dinner time was Remus Lupin. She shimmied into the seat across from him.

“Hey Remus,” she said.

“Ah, Lily,” he said, snapping the book he’d been reading closed. “I didn’t realise you were staying, you weren’t in the Common Room.”

“I was up in my room.”

“No wonder then! What are your plans for tomorrow?”

Lily shrugged, careful not to look him in the eyes.

“Do you want to come out with me tomorrow after lunch then? I’m going to stroll down to Hogsmeade.”

“Awh, thanks,” she said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, “but I’m busy. Maybe tomorrow?”

“Busy with what? It’s Christmas break!”

She blushed, couldn’t stop herself from doing so.

“I, um, I’m helping a friend…study.”

Remus, much to her chagrin, winked at her.

“Studying, is that what they call it these days,” he grinned.

“Not like that,” she moaned. “It was honestly just some book reading.”

He sighed. “How disappointing. I was hoping for scandalous gossip.”

“I have never been very good for that,” she said. “What are you reading?”

She reached over and started laying food on her plate as Remus told her about his book, an action thriller of some description. It sounded frightfully boring, except for the bits where a Niffler was trained to steal someone’s precious heirloom.

It was hard to pay much attention, when her mind was laser-focused on the incident only a few hours ago. Her skin still burnt with the memory of Lucius’ body pressed against it, the smell of him still lingered on her clothes.

She so desperately wanted to talk to someone, but there was no one she could trust. Sev would lose his mind, and Seph and Madeline would never let her live this down even if they were still at Hogwarts. Remus seemed like he could be a safe bet — okay, so he would definitely tell James and Sirius and Peter, but… He’d hopefully keep his mouth shut until the new term started, and then this whole messy situation would be over anyway. She would have to be careful to keep the details hidden, was all.

And, actually, if she thought about it, maybe James hearing she had interest elsewhere would put him off her scent.

“Remus, can I talk to you about something?” she said, trying to stop herself from grimacing. This was all too ridiculous.

“Of course,” he said, leaning into the table conspiratorially. “Have you murdered someone?”

“What? No!”

Remus laughed. “You just look extremely serious.”

“No, nothing serious, just…” She would have to choose her words carefully. “Well, earlier in the term, I had an incident with a fellow classmate…a male one.”

Remus leant in, looked extremely curious.

“Anyone I know?”

“Who don’t you know?”

“Okay, good point,” he said shrugging. “Well, who is it?”

“No, I’m not telling you that, I was just hoping for some advice, I suppose,” she said, shrugging. “You’ve dated a few people, haven’t you?”

Remus nodded, and she noticed a blush creeping onto his cheeks, but was too giddy to really think about that now.

“Well. So. Anyway, we had a… romantic incident. A chaste one, don’t give me that look! But he is a terrifically bad choice of suitor, and I know it’s not a good idea, but I quite fancy him back. We could never, you know, actually date. But…”

“But you want to see where it goes?” he asked, looking sympathetic.

Lily sighed. “I don’t know. He’s a bit of a twat, but he’s also terribly charming.”

“You’re not talking about James are you?” Remus asked, narrowing his eyes.

Lily shook her head quite hard. “No! Not James.”

Remus let out a breath. “Good, because I would have absolutely killed him if he’d been keeping secrets from me.”

He took a bite of his food, his expression thoughtful.

“So you don’t want to marry this guy?” Lily shook her head. “And you don’t even want to date him?” Another shake. “Well, then. As long as you’re clear about that, I don’t see what the harm could be.”

“It could bad! What if people found out?”

Remus shrugged. “You never struck me as someone who cared particularly about what other people thought.”

Lily thought for a moment. This was true, but Lucius was another level of terrible situations to be caught in.

“Look, we’re 17. If we don’t make bad decisions now, when will we ever get a chance to?”

Lily took a deep breath and nodded.

“That’s true…” she said slowly.

Remus clapped his hands. “Here here, to bad ideas!”

He lifted his goblet to her, and while she rolled her eyes, she toasted him back.

“So, now will you tell me who it is?”

Lily laughed. “Absolutely not. And don’t go spreading this around, if you could please?”

“I will do my outmost, though Sirius has ways of getting things out of me…”

Lily smirked. “I have heard rumour about that.”

Remus went an extremely dark shade of pink. She noticed, however, that he did not deny it.

“I have a feeling that isn’t the advice you wanted,” Remus said, trying not to look her in the eyes.

“Not really…” Lily said.

“Well then, my advice is — what a terrible idea, Lily, how could you consider it? Really, you should know better,” Remus said grinning. “Was that at all convincing?”

“Not in the slightest, but good effort.”

***

Lily wanted to watch Lucius carefully over lunch the next day, but every time she looked over at him, his eyes seem to be caught on her. She would blush, and look back at her plate, and continue pretending to listen to the Fourth Year sitting across from her. Worse yet, whenever she looked over at Severus instead, only a few seats down from a certain blonde Slytherin, _he_ was watching her carefully too. And he didn’t look happy, either, glancing between Lucius and herself whenever they exchanged a glance.

The most annoying part was that she wanted to march over and tell Sev that there wasn’t anything going on, and he could put that surly look away. Oh, and that she wasn’t his girlfriend, to even get that surly over. But it wouldn’t be true, would it? She had kissed Lucius. She could have excused it if it was one drunk incident, but now she had kissed him sober.

And she wanted to kiss him again. Badly. More than kiss him, if her nighttime fantasies were anything to go by. Of course, she’d thought of him before like that, but it had been a silly thought — he was gorgeous, of course she thought about him like that. But last night, the thought that pushed her over the edge had been realising that Lucius might be down in the dungeons, thinking of her like that too. Had possibly thought of her like that for a while.

 _“I assumed I’d be rebuffed”_ , he’d said to her only a few days ago in the library. He had wanted to kiss her for longer than just one drunken night at a party. And, if she was honest with herself, those “silly thoughts” that had compromised of her sexual fantasies may no longer be so silly. She _did_ want to sleep with him, _had_ wanted to for a while. She just had never taken it seriously because she didn’t consider him a viable option. Both because he was ridiculously good-looking and had a reputation for getting a lot of the Slytherin girls (and a few Ravenclaws, and even one Hufflepuff if the rumours were to be believed), and because she’d even go for it, if an opportunity had presented itself.

But after the last week, and her chat with Remus, she thought she might have changed her mind.

Even so, she had decided to let him take the lead. She wasn’t going to throw herself at the boy, and he had been quite forward so far. She would see where the Christmas break would take them, all two weeks of it.

Once 3 o’clock rolled around, Lily marched into the Potions Classroom with purpose. Lucius was already there, greeting her with a lazy smile. He was dressed more casually than usual, with a well-fitted jumper and loose pants under a simple robe. He looked fairly dreamy, but Lily tried not to think about that as she sat in front of him.

“Morning, Evans,” he said. “What do we have on the teaching plan today?”

“I thought we’d get started with something simple,” she said. She had at least prepared some ideas. “How about Mindograff Potion?”

“But I’m pretty good at that already.”

“Well, now you can show off your skills, then.”

“Prepare to be impressed.”

Lily watched him quietly as he worked. Lucius seemed to be taking it seriously; no laughing or joking today, just head down, working. Annoyingly, it only strengthen her attraction. She could see him sticking his tongue into his cheek as he concentrating on chopping the frog brain which was positively adorable, and his shoulders looked so good as he bent over the desk.

He kept looking up at her as he added the ingredients to the cauldron, almost like he wanted to see her expression. She just cocked an eyebrow every time he did so; he wasn’t getting validation that easily.

Finally, he used the little towel on the desk to dry his hands.

“Time for your inspection, Professor Evans.”

She wouldn’t fall for his tricks again, and so approached the cauldron from the other side. She took a deep breath in, and it smelt of overripe apples and tree moss.

“Wow, good enough to eat, not that you would want to,” she said. Using the cauldron spoon, she lifted some of the dark green liquid out of it, and watched it slowly drip back down. “Good viscosity too.”

“Viscosity, aren’t we smart,” he said, grinning at her. “So, did I pass?”

“I think so,” she said. She laid the spoon down. “Clearly not something we need to work on.”

“And my skills? No comments?”

“Well,” she said slowly, “you definitely didn’t grind the poppy head the way I showed you yesterday. You’ll crack so many more of the seeds inside, if you do.”

“Is that right? I guess you better show me again.” His devilish smirk was back, and she knew why he was asking. She wondered if he’d not ground it the way she’d shown on purpose. But that might have been the part of her that wanted to believe he had been just as flustered by their tryst yesterday as she had been, as unflappable as he sometimes seemed.

She grabbed the remaining spare poppy head off the desk, and came round his side of the table.

“Come here,” she said.

She placed the pestle in his hand, and stood slightly behind him.

“Like this,” she said. She adjusted his fingers on the pestle so he could more finely direct the grinding motions. He was so warm she could feel the heat of him against her, despite only their fingers touching. And was it her imagination, or were his fingers shaking slightly? Must have been her imagination — Lucius didn’t tremble.

She slid her hand over his, barely able to breath, trying to ignore his scent of warm leather, and made the motions for him.

“Your turn,” she gulped. With reluctance, she took her hand off of his, but didn’t move away from him.

He did it perfectly, the poppy seeds making soft cracks at every touch.

“Like that?” he breathed. His voice was thick and low.

“Perfect,” she said.

Her fear that he’d immediately move off after that was unfounded, because they stayed rooted to the spot, both of them, and instead she could hate herself for wanting him to stay anyway. Merlin, she hadn’t been wrong yesterday; it was a bad idea. And yet.

And yet, as he turned around to face her, she didn’t move an inch, so that his whole body slid against her as he spun. She looked up into those cold, grey eyes — except, they looked quite warm in the candlelight. There was no smirk now, only a concentrated gaze and a flat line of a mouth.

His hand reached up, and his fingers touched her neck. Lightly, at first, and when she leant into the touch, he pressed more firmly. He stroked his fingers back and forth, and she had to concentrate not to make a sound, give herself away in the heavy, weighted silence between them. Then his fingers trailed up to below her chin, where he turned her face more upwards towards him.

He stared at her, not saying a word, for several, long seconds. She watched his Adam’s apple bob.

“I’d like to kiss you,” he whispered, as if there were anyone else there to hear them.

Her lips, unbidden, said; “I’d like you to.”

He seemed to consider that for a moment, then nodded ever so slightly. He leant down slowly, and his lips grazed hers. She tried to lean into him, but he moved too quickly away. She gasped, wanted to moan that that was not enough, but bit her tongue. She yearned for more, yearned to taste him again, to feel his tongue flicker against hers. She hoped it wasn’t writ too plain across her face.

He gave her a grin. Maybe it was stupidly obvious.

“I’m going to kiss you again,” he said.

She just nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

This time, it was a real kiss. All wet, hot needful passion, and he tasted just as delicious as he had the day before. She reached a hand up to hold onto the back of his neck, the other hand on waist. It was a surprise to feel his hand sneak up the back of her jumper, but it was a welcome surprise to be sure. His hands were warm against her skin, and she almost shivered at that naked touch.

Instead, she pressed into him harder, going up onto her tiptoes so to reach his lips better, and he clutched her tighter in response. His free hand came to trail along her hips, just a fingertip beneath the waistband of her trousers. She would have given anything for him to grab at her more forcefully, but he was clearly taking her time.

But she couldn’t quite manage that level of control. Instead, she ground her hips into his, and couldn’t stop herself moaning into his mouth when she felt the hardness of his excitement through his trousers. That, at least, he couldn’t hide. She was flattered, too, that he would be this hard from just them kissing, even as she felt herself getting wetter by the minute.

He pulled back first, breathing hard, his hands not moving from their positions on the small of her back and between her shoulder blades, his fingers pressed hard into her skin.

She slumped down from her tiptoes, keeping her grip on his neck.

“Do you want to…” he said slowly, eyes searching hers.

She nodded without thinking. She knew they were rushing. She also knew that she had been thinking about this since their first kiss, as much as a bad idea as it seemed.

With only the slightest hesitation, Lucius took her hand, lacing his fingers with hers. He was watching her very carefully as he did so, but then, with more enthusiasm, he began to lead her out of the Potions room.


	5. Complications

It was a short walk from the Potions Room they’d just been holed up in to the Slytherin dungeons.

“I’ll check if anyone is about,” he said quickly, as he ducked in. A second later, he reappeared. “Coast is clear.”

Lily didn’t say anything, didn’t want to speak in case it broke the spell she felt under. She barely cast an eye around the Common Room as he led her to one of the dorms. Once inside, he broke off from her and pulled out his wand, whispering a locking spell.

“All my roommates have gone home.” he said, turning to her. “Are you sure about this?”

She nodded, but he shook his head at her.

“Evans, do you want to do this?”

“Yes,” she managed.

Then he was on her, kissing her deeply, his hands roaming down her back. There was something incredibly needing in the way he did so, so nakedly lustful. It only spurned her on.

Her hands wrestled with the buttons of his shirt, already having pulled his robe off, while he pulled her blouse over her head. While she fumbled with his belt, clearly practiced hands were taking her bra off. He began to kiss at her neck in furious, hot kisses. She felt like she might be shaking, but she wasn’t sure, it was all happening so fast that she couldn’t quite get a hold of herself. Finally they were both naked, and he led her to his bed, pulling back the curtains.

Underneath his clothes, he had the body of a Quidditch player: all hard muscles, and just the softest hints of Hogwarts dinners round his middle. His chest was covered in fine, downy blonde hairs, and his shoulders were — ugh, so gorgeous and broad. He was already extremely erect, and an impressive length and thickness at that.

He stayed standing as she laid down, and his eyes roved over her much like she had done only a moment before.

“Merlin, you’re beautiful,” he sighed.

“Hurry up,” she said, pulling at his hips.

“And so impatient,” he chuckled. He was quickly on top of her, kissing her mouth, then moving down to her neck. He paused at her breasts, taking each into his mouth and playfully nibbling at them. She gasped, arching her back towards him. His hair trailed down her stomach as he moved down, down, down. He gently pulled her legs apart.

He licked the length of her slit, and she let out a hearty groan, her hand reaching down to tangle in his hair.

He went slowly, pausing to kiss her thighs and mound as he licked, avoiding her clit altogether. She was practically grinding into his face, but he still didn’t go near it until she finally groaned, “Please Lucius, please!”

Then he attacked it with vigour, licking and sucking as she felt waves of pleasure building up, warmth spreading down her thighs and all the way up to her neck. She came hard, crying out and grabbing at his head. She was dizzy and warm when as the most intense waves left her. It was the first time she’d cum at someone else’s hand — or mouth, as it were. Not that her only other bedmate had bothered to even try after the first few months they were together.

He came back up, and when he kissed her, she could taste herself on his lips. It only turned her on more.

He pulled away, and leant down to her ear.

“I’m going to fuck you now,” he whispered.

She could only nod, biting her lip. She wanted nothing else in the world in that moment than to feel him inside of her.

She expected him to tease her here too, but instead, before she could even blink, he’d lined himself up and was then buried inside of her. She let out a groan, and he growled.

“Fuck,” he whispered.

Then he was moving — slowly at first, then speeding up. All the time, he didn’t break eye contact. There was an intensity she’d never experienced before, and a nakedness she’d never felt with how _present_ he was. Not like her last time, not at all. Her only other bedmate always reminded her a little of a dog humping a pillow: she just happened to be there for him to pleasure herself. This time…was so different. Every part of her felt electrified.

Sustaining eye contact meant she too was more in the moment than she’d ever been. She felt the slickness of herself as he slammed into her, feel the sweat on his back as she ran her nails down it and clutched at him desperately, felt the way his ass trembled beneath the legs she’d pulled round them, and every skin cell could feel the heat of his against her chest.

She reached up and brought his head towards her, and began to kiss him. He kissed back eagerly, his tongue trying to find hers.

His speed increased, and finally he started to jerk with short half-thrusts.

“Shit,” he growled.

She moaned at the sudden change in rhythm, and grinned when he finally collapsed on top of her with a groan.

“Shit,” he whispered again into her neck.

They laid there, breathing heavily for a moment, before Lily finally said; “You’re kind of heavy.”

“Sorry,” he said with a chuckle. He rolled over, pulling out of her. It made her groan to feel empty of him. She felt a trickle between his thighs. “And…sorry.”

“What’s that one for?” she said with a sigh, rolling over to face his him. His eyes were almost blue in the dim lighting of his bed.

He grinned, and shrugged. He looked boyish, and self-conscious. “I hadn’t meant to — to cum so quickly.”

“It wasn’t quick,” she said, grinning back. “It was good, very good.”

“I’d meant to take it slow, I don’t know what came over me,” he said. “But it was good. A little too good.”

Lily laughed. “What does that mean?”

“You know what that means,” he said, wrinkling his nose. He was embarrassed! It only made her laugh harder. “I just…really enjoyed myself, more than I have before.”

She waggled her eyebrows at him. She was still giddy from having cum. “So how does this usually go? When do you usually kick girls out of your bed?”

His blush deepened, but he said: “Usually they’re out the door as soon as — I can’t even joke about this. Anyway. If you’d be amenable, I’d like to indulge in some cuddling.”

“Lucius Malfoy!” she said, only partially in mock-shock. “A cuddler! I would have never guessed.”

“Aren’t we learning a lot about each other today,” he said. He was trying to look teasing, but it was failing when his cheeks were so red.

He shuffled closer to her, slipping an arm under her neck, and pulled her towards him. She wrapped her legs around him, and sighed into his chest. It didn’t even matter that he was sweaty, she just liked being close to him in that moment.

“You now, you shouldn’t believe all the rumours about me,” he said quietly into her hair. “I’m not quite the womaniser they would make me out to be.”

“Oh really?” she said. She didn’t quite believe him. “So which ones aren’t true?”

“Well,” he said, stroking his free hand up and down her arm, “By some accounts, I must have slept with half the eligible women in the school. And — according to a trusted source — one of the teachers.”

“And what are you saying, that that _isn’t_ true?” she said. She hoped he could hear the grin in her voice.

“Most decidedly not,” he said.

“So how many then?” she said, peeking her head up to look at him.

He frowned down at her, and she could practically hear his calculations.

“Five,” he said. “You’d be conquest number five.”

She spat a laugh. “Conquest! I like that. But you’ll forgive me if I’m a little skeptical.”

“Actually,” he said, and he looked away from her eyes, “It’s important that you know, this isn’t… Oh Merlin. That this isn’t just something I do.”

“Lucius,” she said, reaching up a hand to stroke his cheek. “I don’t mind if it is. It’s not like we’ve been on a date, even, for this to be something serious.”

He pursed his lips. “Right. Okay. But — I know you were joking, but I’m not going to kick you out of bed.”

She gave him a sleepy smile, and reached up to kiss him gently.

“Good, because you’re a surprisingly good cuddler after all,” she said, nuzzling back into his chest.

“I’m not sure whether to be insulted that you doubted I would be,” he said, kissing the top of her head.

They remained like that for some time, until Lily at some point dozed off.

When she awoke, she found she must have rolled over, because Lucius was spooning her tightly, and he was snoring gently. It was dark, and the candles were lower than they had been. She wondered what time it was.

She turned over, but was nosey enough that Lucius’ eyes fluttered open. A soft smile appeared on his face as he regarded her.

“Well, isn’t this a nice sight to wake up to?” he said, his voice croaky and full of sleep.

“I’ll say,” she said. But she couldn’t bring herself to kiss him, as if the moment had passed.

Luckily, she didn’t need to initiate, because he leant forward and kissed her gently. She smiled. Maybe the moment hadn’t passed, and the illusion was not yet broken. She ignored the dark shadow in her heart that worried that still, they would have to return to normal, to real life, as soon as they left his bed, and he would put this behind her as a dalliance, and she might come to her senses.

“What time is it?” he whispered, his eyes drooping closed again.

She held an arm up, regarded her bare wrist. “About half past freckle, by my watch.”

He smirked. “For a second, I’d forgotten you were a huge dork.”

She gaped in feign offence.

“Excuse me!” she said. She batted him on the chest.

“What!? It’s a compliment,” he said. He leaned forward and kissed her again. “I find it positively endearing.”

“Ahhh, there’s the condescending boy I went to bed with,” she said. “What a good choice that was.”

“Really, Evans, what _were_ you thinking?” he said. He seemed unperturbed.

He onto his back, his hand slipping out from beneath her neck. He stretched, and Lily’s eyes, unbidden by her, trailed down the length of his body again. Merlin, he was attractive. Stupidly so.

When he was done displaying himself — and she was quite sure the stretch was ever so slightly for her benefit — he reached out of his curtain, and his hand came back gripping a clock.

“Well, look at that, we’ll catch dinner after all,” he said. “Good, because I’m starved.”

“I’m pretty peckish myself,” she said with a sigh. She didn’t want to leave the warm cocoon.

“Come on, let’s get dressed,” he said, and then turned, looking her up and down. “As much as I’m reluctant to leave this sight behind.”

She blushed, which was stupid given they’d already had sex, and of course that might mean he found her attractive. But the naked desire in his eyes made her skin prickle.

With another sigh, she got up from the bed, as much as she didn’t want to. She began to get dressed, but looked up just as she was buttoning her shirt to find Lucius watching her intently, his jumper still in his hand.

“Can I help you?” she said, eyebrow cocked.

“Just admiring the last of the view,” he said.

She pursed her lips. So he thought the same as her, that this little fling would end as soon as she they walked out of his room.

“Hey, now, what’s that look for?” he said. He came over, his eyes glued to hers.

“It’s just —“ oh Merlin, could she really say it? It sounded so silly, and surely was one of those things that mostly went unspoken. “I just enjoyed myself, and now I’m sad it’s over.”

He raised his eyebrows.

“Well, if that’s the case, we can keep going, get one of the house elves to bring us a meal later.”

She chuckled dryly. “I didn’t mean over _now_ , I meant over in general.”

He frowned at her. When he didn’t respond, she exhaled.

“Once we walk out of here, we have to go back to the reality where we shouldn’t even be friends, let alone — let alone _sleeping together_ , Lucius. And I know this won’t happen again.”

Lucius’ frown only deepened.

“What in the world are you talking about, Evans?” he said. “Do you want to stop doing this?”

“Clearly not! I just know it can’t go on.”

“According to whom?”

“According to, I don’t know,” she said, and threw up her hands. “The laws of the universe, I suppose. This is crazy! And it was fun, and I liked it, but you got what you came for and —“

His hands were suddenly on her shoulders, his reassuring weight pushing her down. His eyes were practically black with intensity.

“Is that really what you think? This is what I came for?”

She blinked, trying not to lose her nerve, even as her insecurities made her want to curl into a ball.

“Are you saying you didn’t ask me to help you study in hopes of sleeping with you?”

“Come on, we’re going for a walk,” he said.

“What? What about dinner?”

“Dinner can wait, I want to take a walk with you,” he said.

Panic and hope bloomed equally large in her chest.

“Am I in trouble?” she asked, hoping to break the tension.

He slitted his eyes at her.

“Don’t be silly, Evans. Finish getting dressed, and let’s go. I’ll check nobody is in the Common Room.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised smut in my tags, so here I am delivering! There won't be a huge amount to come, but there will be some more here and there.


	6. Encounters of a Chaste Kind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking About Feelings, Dinnertime Teasing and Good Kissers

After skirting quietly out of Lucius’ room — and checking that her hair wasn’t enough of a mess to give her away — Lucius and Lily stepped out into the Hogwarts grounds. The air was frigid, and Lily shivered, remembering the warmth of the body that had so recently been pressed against hers.

She didn’t know what he wanted to talk about; he hadn’t said anything since he’d announced no one had been in the Slytherin Common Room. She _definitely_ regretting bringing up the possibility of them never sleeping together again. Maybe it was better unspoken, or, at least, it would have avoided having to have a walk and a talk about it.

Lucius was striding purposely towards the Lake, and Lily picked up her tread to keep pace with him.

“So,” she said softly.

Lucius looked at her, and she couldn’t see his expression in the dark. But she felt his hand curl into hers, and she gripped it tightly. It felt nice, to be holding hands with him in the darkness, in secret.

He started to speak, and it sounded like he had possibly been rehearsing what to say in his head on the way from his room.

“Obviously, Lily, I have found you attractive for a long time. More than attractive, but charming and witty and far too smart for the likes of me.”

“Me?” she said, barely able to contain a laugh.

“Yes, _you_ are too smart for me. Which is why I never did anything about the fact I thought of you in that way, but I enjoyed your company immensely whenever I got it. I asked you to study with me, not knowing I was going to kiss you that night. Not thinking we’d ever get that far, I thought it was just a fantasy.”

If it was possible to blush inside and out, Lily was doing just that. He _had_ thought about it, much like she had, and that knowledge plus the cold air made her almost giddy. But she didn’t interrupt him this time.

“But getting a little drunk around you gave me some courage, and so I kissed you, thinking you would recoil in horror. And to my surprise, you didn’t. And even more to my surprise, you didn’t retract your offer to help me, so I figured maybe you had quite enjoyed yourself as well, and had perhaps thought of me the way I thought about you.

It seems, once the seal was broken, so to speak, I found it hard to — again, so to speak — put it back in my pants, so I kissed you again. And this time I was _sure_ you would not see me again.Then, today, there were you, punctual as ever and ready to help me. Yes, of course _I_ wanted to sleep with you. But that was not ‘what I came for’ as you put it. I’m not who you think I am, if you think of me like that, and the fact that _you_ do think that, makes me worry about what we’ve done.”

Lily was overcome, but also alarmed. With her free hand, she gripped Lucius’ bicep.

“Please don’t worry about it! I told you, I had fun, I wanted to do it,” she said. She hated the sound of pleading in her own voice, but she wanted to smooth over the wrinkle she had created.

Lucius shook his head.

“Not like that! I meant more, I think our emotional and physical intimacy might have far outstripped our experience and knowledge of each other.”

Lily blinked up at him in the dark. She wished so much she could make out his expression better. She wanted to reply straight away, the knee jerk response. But he was being so… naked with her. It seemed only right that she would think about his words before deciding what to say.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, and Lily looked out across the Lake. The water glinted like sea glass beneath the moon, and the Whomping Willow looked like a giant’s corpse without its leaves.

“Perhaps you right,” she said slowly, testing the weight of her words as she spoke them. “But I don’t want to stop doing this, necessarily.”

Lucius stopped and spun her round to face him.

“I would not like that either, not at all,” he said. He reached down and brushed a strand of hair from her face. “But I think maybe we should be taking it slower. How about that?”

She nodded.

“Okay.”

She could see his smile in the stark moonlight.

“Okay,” he repeated. And he set them back to walking towards Hogwarts, taking her hand again. “Although, I hope this doesn’t take kissing off the table.”

Lily laughed, and she felt some of the tension leech out of her shoulders.

“Definitely not. You’re far too good for that,” she said.

He took his cue, and stopped them again. For one fumbling moment in the dark, he couldn’t seem to find her properly, but then he hand was resting gently on her jaw, and his lips were on hers, and she felt right and whole.

And once she was back in her room, she didn’t want to think about what that meant — to feel right and whole, while kissing Lucius Malfoy. It couldn’t be good. But she tried to relax, tried to tell herself that she would just have to see how it went, and make her decisions in the moment.

He was right, though, the more she thought about it. Only a week ago, she would swear blind she would never so much as share an impassioned hug with Lucius, and now she had slept with him. They needed to cool their heels.

***

Their next day of studying was frighteningly uneventful, compared to the two days before. No, indeed, they did exactly what they had planned to do — study and practice. Much to Lily’s surprise, things weren’t even awkward between them. They were actually great, still flirty and teasing, but with only light physical contact.

But as they cleaned up to go, and Lily grabbed her bag, Lucius stopped her.

“Eat light at dinner, and meet me at 9pm, by the library.”

She raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Late night study session, is it? I thought we’d agreed —“

“Nothing like that,” he said, waving her off. “Just meet me, and I’ll show you what I have up my sleeve.”

She almost made a dirty joke, but thought the better of it. He was a bad influence enough on her. After a moment, she nodded.

“How very enigmatic of you,” she said. “Fine, I’ll come.”

“Excellent. Just — eat a lighter supper, will you?”

***

Lily settled into the seat across from Remus again for dinner, which just happened to be perfectly placed so she couldn’t see any of the clocks. She had spent so much of her time since she’d spoken to Lucius counting down the hours, that she just couldn’t stand it anymore. It also was not the biggest coincidence that she was seated looking _away_ from the Slytherin table. No furtive glances would get the best of her now.

“Lily, our wanderer returns,” Remus said, grinning at her. “Potatoes?”

“Oh yes please,” she said, taking the bowl from him. “Hardly a wanderer.”

“Well, I didn’t see you last night, at dinner or passing through the Common Room, and I was up quite late,” he said. His eyebrow was raised suggestively, and she could barely stamp down on the heat rising in her neck before it could reach her cheeks. “So I take it you’ve taken my advice, and are out there making bad decisions?”

She pursed her lips and gave him the most withering look she could manage. It was met with a grin. She cast her eyes down the table, to see if anyone might overhear. The very hint that she’d been up to something was enough to cause a stir up a rumour, she was sure. But there was no need to worry. They were seated at the end of the table, and the two Gryffindor Fifth Years she barely recognised were far enough away that there was little chance of them hearing any secrets.

“Wonderful,” he said. “Aren’t they always the funnest?”

“You’re incorrigible,” she said. She passed him back the bowl of potatoes now she’d taken hers, and reached for the chicken in the middle of the table. The smell was absurdly good, and she only now realised that she’d missed lunch. Still, she would have to go easy, given Lucius’ comment earlier about eating a light dinner.

“I’ve never been called that before! You do compliment me so,” he said, flapping a hand at her and pretending to flutter his eyelashes. “But seriously! Tell me about it!”

“There’s not much to tell,” she lied, shrugging. “We had a bit of fun, you know.”

Remus pouted. “Come on, give me more to work with than that!”

“I told you, I’m not going to tell you who it is,” she said.

“You don’t have to tell me who it is to give me details! I’m not going to press you on that,” he said. He shrugged. “And if I work it out by accident, you can always rope me into an Unbreakable Vow.”

She gaped at him. “I’m not going to do that!”

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m only joking,” he said. “Wow, Lily, I’ve never seen you this flustered before. Look, you don’t have to tell me anything. We can discuss — Merlin, I don’t know. The weather. That rain, hey? It’s really coming down out there. What do the Muggles say? ‘Raining cats and toads’?”

“Cats and dogs,” she laughed. She wrinkled her nose. Oh, but wouldn’t it be nice to tell _someone_ , _anyone_ about it? Perhaps not a name, but… “I will say, he is a very good kisser.”

Remus grinned.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes,” she said, her chin up like she was declaring something proper, not sordid details of her love life. “Just the right amount of tongue, tastes delicious, and… he’s very handsy when he kisses. I like that.”

“Oh, that’s the best kind of kissing,” Remus nodded. He looked off into the middle-distance, and sighed. “A hand through the hair, one of on your back, but constantly moving like they’re afraid you might slip out of their arms.”

Lily giggled, which brought Remus back to the table, and he looked appropriately abashed.

“Thinking of someone in particular, are we?” she said, eyebrow cocked. It was very satisfying to watch his blush deepen.

“Hey! I’m making you squirm, not the other way around,” he reminded her. He stuck out his tongue and went back to eating.

“Sorry, I forgot my place there for a moment,” she said, chuckling.

“But seriously, thank you. It’s so dull here without Sirius and James, and Peter, this’ll keep me going until at least Christmas Eve.”

“I’m so glad my personal life can be of service to your amusement,” she said, but she was grinning far too much for it to take on the mock-chiding tone she was aiming for.


	7. Slow Going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late Night Walks, Attempts at Wooing and Cheap Wine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is a bit late! Had a very hectic Tuesday and didn't manage to get it up.
> 
> EDIT: Also I just realised AO3 did something, I think, where Chapter 6 wasn't showing up? Hopefully both it & this chapter is there now...

Lily wished she had asked Lucius what clothes their evening appointment would require. She had gone for simple, but boring, to not give him the wrong impression: a cosy jumper and black jeans, but she was buggered if he intended to take her out for an evening stroll again, as her shoes were too old to stop leaks, and she’d be soaked through in no time. She had even forgotten her cloak in her nerves.

She passed Remus on her way out of the Common Room.

“Off for a late night dalliance, are we?” he said, leaning over the back of the sofa. The fire was roaring behind him.

“Knock it off, you,” she said. “Just going for a walk.”

“Mmm,” he said, clearly unconvinced. But at least he returned to his book without another word.

It was funny, to walk back to the library. She had no idea, just a few days ago when she met him there for the first time, what their studying was going to entail. Would she have gone if she had?

She wanted to say no, but she suspected she was lying to herself. Just like when she told herself, when she couldn’t sleep, that she would have rejected his first kiss had she been sober. But trying to decide whether she would have or wouldn’t’ve was a pretty convenient excuse for her to replay the events over and over.

Not that she needed an excuse. Even when she was talking to Gryffindors, or trying to get to sleep, she would remember his hands on her body, his intensity while fucking her, him calling her beautiful, and that mouth and that talented little tongue… It made her stomach flutter every time a broken shard of a memory appeared in her mind, and she would smile and bite her lip. She had never been so turned on by one person before.

Anyway, she could pretend she would have refused, but she was becoming less and less sure of that by the day — by the hour, practically. Because not only did it make her stomach flutter when she thought of them together, she would also get little flashes of things he’d said, the way his face had looked when he was concentrating, the warmth of him at the Christmas party and them dancing together, and her heart would flutter. She knew that was a bad sign.

When she rounded the corner, she saw Lucius was already there, early as always. He was facing away from her, looking up at the tapestry on the wall, presumably as a cover for any students that might pass him.

She cleared her throat, and he turned, with a smile on his face that widened when he saw her.

“Come with me,” he said eagerly, before she’d even reached him. He marched past her.

It was only then that she noticed that he was carrying some kind of basket, with a big cosy blanket thrown over the top of it, obscuring the contents.

“What’s that?” she said. It was difficult to try and keep up with his fast pace while simultaneously craning her neck to try and catch a glimpse of what might be in the basket..

“You’ll see soon enough,” he said. “You’ll like it. I think.”

She frowned. “I’ve never heard you be unsure of anything. Now I’m worried what it might be.”

He rolled his eyes at her.

“You will at least not hate it” he said.

“Will you just tell me?”

He swatted her hand as she tried to reach for the blanket. “You really are an impatient one, Evans.”

“Isn’t that what you like about me?” she said.

“One of many things,” he replied, not even looking at her.

Which was good, because she blushed. It was dumb, really, to feel warm and fuzzy about it when he had demonstrated his liking of her before, and yet… It still felt nice to hear. Some confirmation that cowed her niggling fears that this was all a lark to him, even if their late night walk the day before had put that to rest squarely.

The reached the astronomy tower, and, while Lily expected him to walk right past it and head for the stairs down to the Grand Hall, Lucius started instead up the stairs of the tower.

“Quick as you can now,” he called behind him, perfectly imitating their astronomy professor.

She did as she was told, although mostly so she could find out what the heck he had planned.

She was about to say something, to try and get more out of him again, or at least ask him to slow down given he was so far ahead of her but decided to save her energy to try and catch up. She finally entered the tower proper, and her breath caught in her lungs.

Hanging from the ceiling, Lucius had lit and enchanted candles, and she watched as he spread out the blanket in the middle of the floor. From the basket, which she could just make out the contents of through the dim light and the long shadows cast by the candles, he pulled a bottle of something and glasses, and fruits and crackers and cheese.

“What in Merlin’s name is this?” she asked.

He shrugged. “What do you think it is?”

“Are you trying to, what, woo me? This looks like something out of a romance novel.” Not that she was displeased, she just struggled to think of why Lucius would orchestrate something like this if there weren’t secondary moments. He certainly didn’t strike her as a romantic.

“It’s a date,” he said. He sat down on the blanket and went to work on uncorking the bottle, of which she was sure was wine. “I said we should slow down.”

“Yes, but I thought that meant, you know, spending less time together or playing Wizard’s chess!”

He looked up at her sharply.

“I don’t want to spend less time with you. And yes, I suppose, I would like to woo you.”

She crept to the blanket, and took a trepidatious seat next to him, watching him struggling with the cork. She was on edge, nervous, and as if he read her mind, he said: “Have you never been on a date before, Evans? You’re moving like you think I might hex you at any moment.”

“I actually haven’t…” she said slowly, and wished she’d just kept that to herself.

Lucius looked at her, the surprise obvious in his face. Well, that was a compliment at least.

“Oh. Then I’ll count myself fortunate that you’ve agreed to one with me, since clearly not all suitors are this lucky,” he said. Then he gave a triumphant little snort as he finally freed the cork, and began to pour her a glass of wine.

“It’s not like I have many,” she said. “My ex-boyfriend. James Potter”—she couldn’t help but wrinkle her nose when she said his name, like a gag reflex—“and, I suppose, you.”

“I think you, in your studious and headstrong ways, might have just been missing all the times men have tried to flirt with you.”

“Oh, is that right?”

“I’ve seen the way the boys in your Year look at you. Don’t forget, I’ve been watching you for a while.” His eyes suddenly widened. “That came out much, much creepier than I’d anticipated.”

She laughed. “It’s okay, I know you’re a little bit sleazy.”

“Isn’t that what you like about me?” he said. He flashed her a grin.

She rolled her eyes and snorted.

“This is nice…” she said, to save them sparring any longer. And it was. The candles made it cosy, and eventuated the sharp lines of Lucius face. It made his eyes look shining black, and his hair, in its bun, almost white. She wanted to run her fingers through it again, but knew that was against the entire purpose of Lucius’ evening plan, so amused herself with her wine glass instead. She took a few, gentle sips. There was no need to get drunk and make a fool of herself — she might not have cared particularly, before they first kissed, about propriety, but now she did. It made her smile to think of how much the weight of Lucius’ opinion had shifted in the last week.

Lucius leant back against the blanket, propping himself up with an arm. He was watching her closely. She leant back too, and smiled nervously.

“So…” she said, her voice quiet. “What do people normally talk about on dates?”

He smiled, but not unkindly.

“Well, I’ve only ever gone on dates with people from old wizarding families before — we usually moan about our relatives.”

“I could tell you about my family, but I think that would be frightfully boring,” she said. She set down her glass, the warmth from the wine already spreading to her cheeks, and spread some cheese onto a cracker.

“I don’t think you could ever bore me,” he said. And he followed it up with what Lily could have _sworn_ was a dreamy sigh, even if it didn’t fit Lucius at all.

“Hm. My mother works as a cleaner. My dad — I’m not actually sure what he does. Works in an accounting firm, but not as an accountant.” She paused a moment, chewed on her cracker. “See? I told you, frightfully boring.”

He shook his head.

“Keep going.”

“Fine. I have one sister, Petunia. We used to be close, she and I… Used to spend all our time together. I’d make up games for us to play, tell her stories when she was having nightmares. She was good at braiding my hair, and finding adventures whenever we went on holiday together. She was bold, when we were together, shy when I wasn’t with her. But she absolutely loathes me now. She can barely look me in the eye whenever I see her, and never answers my letters.”

“What happened?”

Lily arched an eyebrow at him, before she realised — _of course_ a Pureblood wizard wouldn’t understand. She motioned around the room, showering her jumper in cracker crumbs.

“This happened.”

Lucius frowned for a moment, but she watched the realisation dawn on him with the raising of his eyebrows.

“ _Oh_. You had magic, and she didn’t?”

Lily nodded. Lucius was silent for a long moment, taking a sip of his wine. His brow was furrowed in thought.

“Is that why you aren’t home for the holidays? Do you normally stay here?”

Lily shook her head. “No. But Petunia decided to book the three of them a holiday — just a cheap one, she has a job and is always rubbing it in my face — and said she couldn’t afford to buy me one. So they’re not back until Christmas Eve night, which is when I’ll go back. I’m not planning on staying. The fact mum and dad even agreed to go on this jaunt tells me how much they really miss my presence…”

Lily blushed. She had rambled more than she had intended, but Lucius was looking at her intently, rather than rolling his eyes or looking bored.

“I imagine that must’ve been really hard, on both of you. I’m sorry,” he said. He reached out his free hand and touched arm gently.

“It’s just a thing, you know. All families have something going on.”

“Yes they do,” Lucius said. He plucked a grape off the vine and popped it into his mouth, biting down with more force than Lily thought he really needed.

“So what about you and your dad? Why aren’t you talking?”

Lucius’ face went blank, but she could see wheels turning in his head. She frowned; what could he be weighing up?

“Just something,” he said finally, with a gentle shrug. “Something important.”

She rolled her eyes. “Are you cultivating mystique or something? Tell me.”

Lucius pursed his lips, and looked at her quite seriously.

“My father is extremely committed to a cause. I don’t disagree with him, but he wants me to fully commit too.”

“If you don’t disagree, what’s the issue?” Lily asked. She wanted to know what cause it might be, but she could tell he was trying to keep it to himself.

“The issue… the issue is, it would affect people I care about. It would be good for me, for our family, for our friends. But for others, it would ruin them.”

“Is this some kind of money-making scheme? Aren’t you Malfoy’s rich already?”

He gave a short, humourless laugh.

“Not money. I can’t, I can’t talk about it, with you. But I don’t want to hurt people I like.”

“But you don’t mind hurting the people you don’t like?” Lily said, which a mischievous grin.

To her surprise, Lucius didn’t share the look. Instead he lay back on the blanket so he was looking at the ceiling.

“It’s best we don’t talk about this,” he said, finally. “It’s more messy than you can possibly imagine.”

Lily sniffed. She took umbrage with his patronising tone, but also… She didn’t want to push the point too hard. Not this early, anyway. Maybe she would be able to bring it up again in the future — what exactly was so messy that it would stop him going home for Christmas?

She sighed, and ate another cracker, wrinkling her nose at how much cheese she’d loaded onto it.

“So what else do we talk about?”

Lucius chuckled. “Really, must I do all the work?”

“Your date, your work,” she said. She lay down next to him, there arms barely touching. After a moment, she felt his arm move closer, and he entangled his fingers with hers. She couldn’t help but smile up at the ceiling. It felt nice — simple, but nice.

“Come on then, tell me which professors you would most want to sleep with, and which ones you’d rather kiss a blast-ended shrewt than them.”

It was Lily’s turn to laugh, but she gave him her rundown dutifully.

***

The wine had made Lily sleepy, and at the bottom of the stairs, she leant heavily against him.

“Can I kiss you?” she whispered.

He didn’t reply, only leant down and took her face in his hands, kissing her deeply. She returned it eagerly, her hands snaking round his back and into that hair she had so desperately wanted to touch all evening. But when she felt his tongue flicker into her mouth, she pressed closer to him, one of her hands sliding down to grab at his buttocks.

He pulled back, grinning.

“Hey now,” he said, mock-chiding. “We’re going slowly.”

So it was much disappointment on her part that she wound back to the Gryffindor Dorm on her own, into her own lonely bed, without his comforting presence beside her.


	8. Sweetness & Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Distracted Breakfasts, Secret Notes & Clandestine Meetings

Much to Lily’s surprise the next morning, when she slid onto the bench in the Great Hall opposite Remus, a Hufflepuff boy approached her. He couldn’t have been older than a Second Year, and looked nervous as he spoke her name. She smiled gently to him.

“Um, I was given this, to give to you,” he said, and slid a piece of paper into her hand.

She looked past him, catching Lucius’ eye. He was watching her, a small smirk on his face. It was easier to spot him in the mornings, though infinitely harder to spy on him, since most of the student body of Hogwarts took the holidays quite seriously and didn’t wake until noon.

“Thanks, uh…”

But the boy didn’t supply his name, only nodded once and hotfooted it back to his table, whispering to the girl he went to sit next to.

“What’s all that about?” Remus asked, craning his neck to see the note over the stack of toast between them.

“Merlin if I know,” she said, with a shrug.

“So from your loverboy, I take it?” Remus said, grinning. She nodded, but slipped the note, unread, into the pocket of her trousers. “Fine, if you do insist on keeping me in the dark.”

“And I do, I very much do, Remus,” she said. She spread marmalade on some toast, took a bite. She just hoped the note wasn’t urgent enough that Lucius would be annoyed she hadn’t read it straight away. He’d taken a big risk, passing her note, even if he had been smart enough to ask someone from a different House, and so much younger than them. Hopefully, he’d given the boy something for his trouble.

“ _Were_ you off with him last night? Just answer me that, won’t you? It’s such an innocent question!” Remus was at it again, fluttering his eyelashes and looking like butter wouldn’t melt.

“Maybe…” she said, her tone lilting.

“Ooh, was it a nighttime tumble in the Lake, or a very sexy snogging sesh near Dumbledore’s office?”

Lily wrinkled her nose up.

“Neither, thank you very much,” she said. “It was actually…a date.”

Remus’ eyes went wide.

“Hang about, Lily, I thought you said this guy was not dating material.”

Lily pulled her mouth to the side. She had almost completely forgotten that she’d said that to Remus.

“Well, you know… Things change. My estimation has changed. I got to know him. He turned out to be better than I expected.”

“And your not all moon-eyed just because he’s a fantastic kisser?”

She swatted at Remus. “No! What do you take me for? I’m not that shallow!”

“Hey now! A really good kiss can really do wonders. Actually, so can a bad kiss. Did I ever tell you about the times I kissed Sammy Wainsworth? Oh, it was a nightmare, like snogging a toad, all closed-mouth. I asked her, almost every time we kissed, if she just didn’t like me, or like kissing, but she assured me she likes them both. Sometimes she even initiated them, but would just lean in, like this!”

He did an impression; closing his eyes, he moving his head side-to-side as if he were kissing, but his mouth remained a hard line, with no expression or movement. Lily shuddered.

“Yeah, I can imagine that changed your mind about dating her.”

“It did! And really good kissers, they really can deplete you of all your rational instincts, can’t they?”

Lily sighed. It was actually quite true. If Lucius hadn’t kissed her quite so well, she was pretty sure she’d have been able to keep it in her knickers…for at least a little longer than she had, at least.

“It just moved quite fast,” Lily explained, polishing off her slice of toast. “And we decided to take it slower. So we had a small little date. That’s all. I’m not becoming his girlfriend anytime soon.”

“I’ll ask again in three days,” Remus said, “for when to save the date for your wedding.”

She fixed Remus with a glare. “Don’t exaggerate. This is a passing fancy.”

“And are you just saying that because you think it might be for him and your hedging your bets to save your emotions the turmoil?”

Lily wanted to refute it strongly and quickly, but she also felt her face heat to a million degrees celsius in just a few seconds.

“Alright Remus, you don’t have to be so on-the-nose about it,” she said finally. She brushed some crumbs off her jumper. “It’s depressing to hear that said out loud.”

Remus shrugged. “What are friends for, if not to tell you what you absolutely do not want to hear?”

“Sadly true,” she said with a sigh. She clambered back over the bench. “Well, I better get going.”

“Have fun with your man, though you’ll at least let me see if he’s written really terrible poetry for you, right?”

“As if I’d keep that from you.”

She took long strides to exit the Great Hall faster, not looking at Lucius, and then took the stairs up to the dorm two at a time. As soon as she was through Fat Lady and had ensured no one else was back from breakfast yet, she fished the note out of her trousers, and read:

_L,_

_Meet me in Hogsmeade at noon, back aisle of Honeydukes_

_\- L_

Lily smiled. Lucius’ handwriting was a disaster: loping and sloping. She thought of jokes her mother used to make, that her dad’s handwriting was like a doctor’s. Lucius’ would put his to shame, especially with the ink blots all over the page. It was so incongruous with his usual demeanour: smooth, slick as an oiled fish, and always, always ready with a biting remark.

But the reason the discovery of his atrocious handwriting made her smile was that it was in keeping with what she saw in him, in their private meetings: hesitant, sometimes even silly, and eager. She mentally checked herself as the word “frightened” came to mind, but then she thought again. It was true, he did seem frightened sometimes, but she couldn’t put her finger on what. She would have to be more attentive in their next tete-to-tete, which was apparently going to be at noon.

She put the note away just as Remus appeared from the doors.

“Still hanging about are we?” he said brightly. “If I stand here long enough, might I catch a glimpse of your mystery man?”

“ _No_ ,” she said. “We’re not meeting.”

“Oh dear, has love boat cancelled over note, not even hand-delivered, how boarish,” he said, but he was still smiling. “Do you want me to go beat the stuffing out of him?”

Lily cocked an eyebrow. “I don’t think you’d win in a fight against Seph’s toad, let alone —“

She went bright red, but managed to stuff the words “ _Lucius Malfoy”_ back into her gob. Remus was watching her with interest, but she cleared her throat and carried on.

“Anyway, no, it’s for good reason.”

“And does this reason mean we can spend some time together today?”

“Oh, I don’t think so, I actually fancy a walk, sorry,” she said, looking as apologetic as she could muster. She did feel bad, especially lying to Remus, but what could be done?

“I’ll join you if you wait for me to get my boots on—“

“Uh, no, it’s okay! I’m going to be gone for a while and,” she started to say but Remus held a hand up.

“Hang about. When you say you’re not meeting him, you mean _here_ don’t you? You’re just going to find somewhere else to shack up?”

Lily closed her eyes a moment.

“Please don’t use the term _shack off_ , but yes, pretty much.”

“Well, I do insist that at some point I meet the guy who would have Lily keeping secrets and looking sheepish. You weren’t like this with that other guy — what was his name? Oh it doesn’t matter, he was so boring I’ll forget as soon as you say it. Hopefully, this guy is a bit better quality, as you deserve. I’ll leave you to it, anyway,” Remus said. His smile was smaller than it usually was when he was chiding her over her ‘mystery man’, and Lily’s blush got deeper as she watched him walk up the stairs, back towards his room.

While it was quite exciting to be sneaking around with Lucius Malfoy of all people, it was all a bit silly too. Remus made her feel like she was Petunia sneaking out of her parent’s house to meet up with a boy. Except here, Remus was her parent and she’d been caught before she’d even opened a window.

She sighed. There was nothing to be done about that now. After all, she _did_ want to sneak off and meet Lucius in Hogsmeade, especially as she hadn’t left the grounds since Christmas holiday began. She ran up to her room to change into some warm winter clothes, and took off only ten minutes later towards Hogsmeade.

***

Honeydukes always smelt so strongly of sugar that even being in there gave Lily toothache. There were scant few aisles in Honeydukes, just the one near the back of the shop, in which rows upon rows of Chocolate Frogs sat on display, clearly their bestseller. Behind it, on the back wall, seemed to be the less loved and very much less bought sweets. She wrinkled her nose at the Toothflossing Stringmints, and wondered, idly, who in their right minds would ever knowingly eat a Cockroach Cluster. Clearly Honeyduke’s owner, Ambrosius Flume, was losing his damn marbles if this was what he was coming up with.

“Oh, Clusters, I’ve been looking for these,” came a smooth voice from behind her.

Lily took a look around, but no one else seemed to be in the shop with them, other than Ambrosius himself, who was restocking the window display of Christmas-themed chocolate.

“If you so much as think of eating one of those, I will never kiss you again,” Lily whispered.

She laughed at the speed in which Lucius returned the package to the shelf, almost knocking some nearby fudges onto the floor.

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” he said.

“So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this surreptitious meeting?” she said, pretending to look interested in blood-flavoured lollipops.

“I thought it might be nice to take a walk together in the snow,” he said. “Now that it’s finally decided to snow. I thought at first the Grounds, but the Forbidden Forest seemed like a bad bet to make.”

“Is that right? And where might we be walking in Hogsmeade, if you are so eager to hide us from public eye?”

He gave a glance that looked somewhere between sarcastic and pissed off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, for regular readers: I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year. My current plan is to half-work on an original fiction novella, and half-work on finishing this story, so updates should remain regular, but I don't want to make any promises my November-stressed butt can't sign.
> 
> Also, you ever reread something just before posting and think "I have no memory of ever having written this"? That's me, for this chapter -- I thought I hadn't written this chapter yet, but apparently I did it weeks ago. Thanks, past me.


	9. Unstable Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heating Humbugs, Cold Shoulders and Bad Romancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay last week, and ending the chapter in a weird place without realising! NaNo prep took a lot of me, as it happened. As mentioned in the last chapter, I'm part-working on this fic for NaNo, and already have a few chapters in my back pocket that I've written now, so that should be the only disruption in the foreseeable future!

Honeydukes always smelt so strongly of sugar that even being in there gave Lily toothache. There were scant few aisles in Honeydukes, just the one near the back of the shop, in which rows upon rows of Chocolate Frogs sat on display, clearly their bestseller. Behind it, on the back wall, seemed to be the less loved and very much less bought sweets. She wrinkled her nose at the Toothflossing Stringmints, and wondered, idly, who in their right minds would ever knowingly eat a Cockroach Cluster. Clearly Honeyduke’s owner, Ambrosius Flume, was losing his damn marbles if this was what he was coming up with.

“Oh, Clusters, I’ve been looking for these,” came a smooth voice from behind her.

Lily took a look around, but no one else seemed to be in the shop with them, other than Ambrosius himself, who was restocking the window display of Christmas-themed chocolate.

“If you so much as think of eating one of those, I will never kiss you again,” Lily whispered.

She laughed at the speed in which Lucius returned the package to the shelf, almost knocking some nearby fudges onto the floor.

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” he said.

“So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this surreptitious meeting?” she said, pretending to look interested in blood-flavoured lollipops.

“I thought it might be nice to take a walk together in the snow,” he said. “Now that it’s finally decided to snow. I thought at first the Grounds, but the Forbidden Forest seemed like a bad bet to make.”

“Is that right? And where might we be walking in Hogsmeade, if you are so eager to hide us from public eye?”

He gave a glance that looked somewhere between sarcastic and pissed off.

“I’m going to buy us some Heating Humbugs, to stop us freezing our butts off. Then we’ll go for a walk. You leave now, turning right, and I’ll catch up.”

He didn’t sound quite as angry as she might have thought, but there was a hint of hardness in his voice that she hadn’t personally experienced before — though she’d heard it employed before, especially on some of the more silly members of the Slug Club.

She was cowed by his look and tone for as long as it took for her to exit into the bracing winter air. But then as the door slammed shut behind her, she began to frown. She still followed his instructions, trudging through the powdery snow that had fallen overnight, but she pulled her scarf over her mouth so she could properly grimace to prevent any Hogwarts students — the scant few who already in Hogsmeade — from seeing it. Not that her scowling or grimacing was a rare sight given the students she shared a Common Room with, but she couldn’t take anyone coming over to ask how she was doing. Luckily, no one she recognised passed her.

She stuffed her hands in her pocket as she past the last shop, and kept going past the houses. It was extremely cold, but her stomping her way down the lane was definitely helping. She didn’t hazard a look back to see if Lucius was following, so she startled slightly when she felt his warmth near her shoulder, and then he was keeping pace beside her.

“Here,” he said, and held out a humbug for her.

She thought about not taking it — but she was annoyed, that was all, and certainly she wasn’t going to petulant about it. She swallowed it down, and immediately felt her insides getting a bit toastier. She let out a sigh.

“Sorry,” Lucius said quietly, “about being annoying.”

The only other time she had walked this far away from the Hogsmeade high street was when her ex had taken her to Madam Puddifoot’s — she had broken up with him shortly thereafter, because he clearly hadn’t paid enough attention to her to realise that was not the kind of date she would enjoy. She wondered where Lucius was leading her.

She looked up at him. He was facing straight ahead, cold grey eyes focused on the road. She hesitated, and then slipped an arm through his.

“I’m sorry too,” she said. “For being annoyed.”

He didn’t look down at her, but she watched as his lips quirked into a smile. She let out a breath.

“I’m not ashamed of you,” he said. The way he said it, quick and certain, made it obvious that here too, just like their first walk together, he had been thinking about what he was going to say to her. “I hope you know that isn’t the case. But… our Houses, our friends, our lives. There’s just a lot to account for. You know we’d never be able to say a word to each other without the rest of the castle finding out.”

“I know you’re that popular, but I don’t think anyone’d care about what I had to say,” Lily said, nudging him in the ribs. She was trying to make light, but he just grimaced.

“You are, though, people would notice,” he said, then he sighed. “And yes, I’m well known. Not just here. My family is very established.”

Lily had to hold herself back from rolling her eyes, knowing what established truly meant. _Rich beyond measure, and old and probably a bit racist._

“I get it,” she said. She squeezed his arm. “I do.”

He looked at her now, and his eyes were full of trepidation.

“Do you? You don’t have to pretend you’re okay with it,” Lucius said. He stopped them, swivelled to face her. “It’s just — this is very complicated, for me. And I suspect it would be for you, too. I like this, I like doing this with you, and not because I like sneaking around. But because I get to look forward something that is just between you and I and has nothing to do with Slytherin politics, or, worse yet, the politics outside of Hogwarts. But you don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt your feelings, if it does. I just thought you knew what we were doing, but if I was unclear at any point, or anything like that, that’s entirely my fault.”

Lily looked away from his intense stare, and twisted her mouth. She stared up the houses to the side of them, ramshackle as the rest of Hogsmeade’s architecture. There was a little hand-painted sign in the window that advertised a room for rent within. In the back of her mind, she wandered who would rent a room in Hogsmeade, and whether it was a sure sign of arrested development, not being able to move out from Hogwarts’ shadow.

“Can I think about this?” she said at last. She looked back at him, and he still had that soft, attentive look on his face that made it very hard for her not to reach up and kiss him. She resisted, and instead concentrated on the little nodule of guilt in her chest that she had even brought this up, that she’d let Remus’ words get to her. This was always going to be casual. Wasn’t that what she had wanted too? She sighed again. “Or — I am okay with it. I just, perhaps, want some time to respond where I’m not freezing my tits off.”

This time he cracked a real grin.

“Classy as always, Evans,” he said, and swung back round to walk besides her. “We’re almost there, anyway.”

“Are you taking me somewhere to rob me?” Lily said, looking around again. “There’s honestly nothing around here!”

“I was actually going to go for a little murder, but you’ve spoilt it now,” he said with a mock sigh. “Come on, round this bend.”

He directed them round the corner, and Lily blinked up at the building in front of them.

“It’s a barn,” she said flatly.

“Keen observant,” he said, grinning.

It was a big barn at that, taking up the space of at least three houses, though she couldn’t tell how far back it went. Lily looked up and down the lane they were now on; every other building was a house, and she couldn’t see anywhere that might let out to a field. So it was utterly perplexing that there might be a secret barn in the middle of Hogsmeade.

“Come on,” Lucius said, walking towards the door. “Let’s go in.”

Lily hesitated.

“Were you being serious about murdering me?” Lily said. “Because this seems like the perfect place to.”

“You won’t find out if you don’t come with me,” Lucius said. He held out a gloved hand towards herself, and wiggled his fingers. “Come on.”

She took another glance about her, and then, knowing that the curiosity alone would kill her, she grabbed a hold of Lucius’ hand. He opened the door and led her in.

She didn’t know what she was expecting, but the barn turned out to be, in fact, a stables, with a large sliding door at the other end that was half open, presenting a patch of grass that might, if a person was feeling generous, be called a paddock.

“Where are all the horses?” Lily asked. She stepped further into the dimly lit building, hay squeaking beneath her wet feet. It didn’t even smell that strongly of animals. She walked all the way along, to halfway down, but she could see from there that every single stable was empty. She turned back to Lucius.

He was frowning.

“Can’t you — do you not see them?” Lucius asked. He walked over to the nearest stable, and began to stroke the air.

Lily suddenly wandered if he had indeed gone a little mad.

“See what?” She looked around again. Was it some kind of magic concealment?

His cocked his head at her, but she still wasn’t sure what the heck he was on about. She walked closer to him, looked at where his hand was. It seemed very much like a magical concealment.

Her hand trembled a little as she held it out, and it connected with something warm. It felt like silk under her fingers, until she let her fingers move more across the surface, and realised it was skin. Her eyes widened, and she pulled her hand back with a yelp.

“What the hell, Lucius?!” she gasped, holding her hand to her chest like it had been burnt. What earthly creature was covered in skin, and was as big as a horse? “What is that?”

“Thestrals!” he said. He reached out and took her hand in his. “It’s alright, they won’t hurt you. I thought — I thought you’d be able to see them.”

“Are they charmed? What are they?” she said. Her breathing had slowed again. Now, she was aware of the noise she had somehow failed to notice at first; the clomping of hooves further down in the stables, and the gentle huffs of air coming from all around her. Clearly, none of these stables were empty after all.

“They’re what pull the chariots,” Lucius said, and he had a small, apologetic smile on his face now. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Lily looked about her again. “Like, the ones that bring us in from the station?”

Lucius nodded.

“Oh, I thought the chariots were just charmed to fly… Are the — what did you say? Thestrals? Are they invisible? What do they look like?”

Lucius’ cheeks were pink now, though whether from the cold or from embarrassment, it was hard to tell. Lily hadn’t been paying enough attention to his face when they entered the barn.

“They’re not invisible, exactly. You can only see them — well, you can only see them if you’ve seen someone die. And I just assumed, I don’t know…”

Lily stared at him for several moments, and he didn’t flinch away from her gaze. Then she felt laughter bubbling up, and while she tried to contain it, she didn’t last very long. It started as a cackle, and then seconds later she was laughing so hard that she had to double over.

“What? What is it?!” Lucius asked, his voice coloured with a hint of panic.

But Lily had to splutter for a few moments more before she could manage to get it out.

“You took me to see these weird things that are associated with death, Lucius. _As a date_. You thought this would be romantic!” she said, still giggling. “This is truly the least romantic thing anyone has ever done, in the history of the world.”

Lucius was definitely turning red now, and he looked away from her, to the thestrals, before looking back at her.

“Shit,” he said, biting his lip. His cheeks were definitely red with embarrassment now, but the ghost of a smile was on his face.

“Are they cute at least?” she said.

Lucius laughed.

“They’re actually horrendous. If you imagine winged horses but covered in skin, not hair.”

Lily laughed again.

“Why on earth did you think this would be a good idea?”

Lucius shrugged, eyes cast down to the hay beneath them, clearly embarrassed still.

“I just thought — well, it would be different, and I was kind of showing off that I knew where they kept them.”

“Oh, Lucius,” she sighed. She got up on her tiptoes and pecked him on the lips. “It’s pretty hard to stay made at you when you’re such an almighty idiot.”

Lucius gave her a sideways glance. “It sounds like a compliment, and yet…”

“Let’s go back to the castle,” she said. “I’m starting to lose feeling in my toes, and honestly hearing these buggers and not being able to see them is creeping me out.”

“I think you’d be more creeped out if you could see them. Yes, let’s get out of here and pretend I didn’t think this would be sweet, shall we?”

She shook her head, grinning, and followed him out in the barn. The barn had protected them from the worst of the wind, and now Lily shuddered, pulling her coat tight around her. Lucius slipped her another Heating Humbug, and she gratefully gobbled it up, relishing the warmth that immediately stopped her from chattering her teeth.

They walked back through the village, which was even more deserted now that a fine snow had started falling. Lily grinned up at the sky, enjoying the cold kisses of snowflakes.

“Can I hold your hand?” she said to Lucius, having to practically shout to be heard over the wind.

In response, he took her hand in his, and squeezed it. It felt nice, but Lily was cautious of how worried she’d been that he’d refuse. That wasn’t like her, to be bashful and anxious about how someone would respond to her.

But she shook her head. Better to just enjoy what they had while the Christmas holidays were on. Things would only get vastly more complicated once everyone returned to the castle, so she needn’t overcomplicate it now.

She leaned into Lucius, and shouted up to him: “By the way, next time, I’m in charge of the date.”

He didn’t argue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know about this chapter -- it was an idea I had, but I'm not sure I managed to get it to work. Sorry! Next week's is a bit more solid, in my opinion.
> 
> Also, sorry for the terrible pun in the chapter title. I always have so much trouble with chapter titles!


	10. Lonely Fires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wind-Whipped Kisses, Near Misses and That Pang Inside Your Chest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot longer (and includes a dash of smut) to make up for my spottiness recently! Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Also the title comes from Nightingale/December Song by Sunset Rubdown, which I listened to a lot while writing this.

It took them twice the usual time to get back to the Hogwarts grounds, with the freezing wind trying to pull them back, so that they had to walk hunched over, with their scarves wrapped tight around them. But, after they passed the gates back into Hogwarts, but before they could reach the castle, Lucius slunk his arm around Lily’s waist and began to lead her to the left.

“Come on,” he said.

“Is this another surprise?” she said. The wall around the grounds thankfully cut through some of the wind, so she could speak without shouting.

Lucius shook his head, but there was a coy smile on his lips. Lily poked him in the ribs.

“Where are you taking me?”

“Where does it look like?” he said simply, his lips quirking.

Lily glanced in front of them.

“Well, obviously the Forbidden Forest, but _why_?”

Lucius tutted and shot her a glance. “You really have the patience of an ape, Evans.”

She wasn’t sure If she should be offended or not, but settled for an exaggerated huff and folded her arms over her chest. She let him lead her forward, her curiosity too great.

It didn’t take them long to reach the first shadowy trees, and almost immediately, Lucius removed his hand from her back and instead took hold of her arm. He pulled her behind one of the trees, gently pushing her up against the trunk.

“You look so damn cute in the cold,” he said, his voice rough. Then he leant down to kiss her, his tongue immediately probing and eager, his lips soft but cold. She groaned in surprise, which seemed to spur him on, and he leaned into her.

She ran her hands up his sides, slipping one hand through his hair before he suddenly pulled back. She let out a little surprised breath.

“Sorry, I —“ he paused and chuckled. “I’ve just wanted to kiss you the entire time we were walking.”

“I mean, yeah, I almost constantly just want to kiss you,” Lily said. In front of another boy, she might have blushed at her own naked honesty. But with Lucius, it felt easier to be bold. She watched as his face slid from abashment back into confidence.

“Oh yeah?” he said, now grinning that cat-like smile. He leaned down until his lips were only an inch away from her own, so she could smell the ever-present strawberries on his lips, feel the heat of his breath on her. “How about now? Do you want to kiss me now?”

Lily didn’t trust herself to speak. She nodded.

“So why don’t you?” he said.

She was fighting all of her instincts not to lean up and press herself against him, to not grab a fistful of his hair and grind against him. Instead she tried to breath. She didn’t know what was possessing her not to take the opportunity to jump his bones, but perhaps it was the surprisingly pleasurable way that her body burnt with anticipation.

She stuck her chin out, so their chins now touched. Involuntarily, she let out a little sigh as she did so. Her eyes flicked up from his lips to his eyes, which were watching her with a ferocious hunger. A hunger so deep and endless and clear that she whispered: “Fuck.”

“It’s so easy for you, isn’t it?” he whispered into the scant space between us. “You can just control yourself, don’t need to give in to me? And here I am, not able to even make it back to the castle…”

Lily sighed again, her heart pounding in her chest. This was not just turning her on, she knew — no, in fact, this hurt in some new and fresh and interesting way she couldn’t quite put her finger on. If she had been honest, had this hurt not always been there, from the moment they kissed soberly in that Potions class? She could feel the pain somewhere just under her ribs, the ache throbbing in time with her heart.

“And yet,” she whispered back, so that she didn’t have to think about the sharpness in her chest, “you’re also resisting me right now.”

“Would you like me to kiss you now?” Lucius said. His eyes were full of daring.

“More than anything,” she breathed.

And instantly, he was kissing her, his hands now on either side of her face as he held her against the tree and kissed her with the same intensity as a hungry man presented with a hot meal. One of his hands slipped under her hat, so that it almost fell, and the other dropped to grip her arse. If she wasn’t quite mistaken, she could feel just how excited he was, pressed against her thigh. How had she managed to do _that_ from just being cold and bundled up in a hat and unflattering coat? She leaned her hips into him, ground a little, and smiled into his mouth as she heard a groan escape from him.

“You’re teasing me,” he panted.

She nodded, and kissed him again. She said, “Weren’t you just doing the same to me?” before pressing against him again.

“I can’t — oh Merlin,” he said, and reached down to grip her hips, stopping them from moving. “I’m not going to be able to go back into the castle all day if you keep up at that.”

“Is that right?” she asked. She tried not to grin quite so wickedly, but it was hard when his eyes were glazed over with lust. She pushed against his grip, managed to squirm against his hardness just once before he stepped back, his face flushed.

“I’m not even going to last out here if you keep doing that.”

She laughed and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right.”

He cocked his head at her, raising an eyebrow. “You really don’t know how sexy you are, do you?”

She wanted to object, but she knew she shouldn’t. It would feel like fishing for compliments, and that was certainly not what she needed — some famous Malfoy flattery.

“I’m going to need to take a minute, anyway,” Lucius said, “before we head back.”

“Or,” Lily said, her grin widening. She reached out and trailed a finger down Lucius’ jaw, “we could go back to your room.”

Lucius eyes widened. She could almost hear him thinking that yes, they had had a deal, to slow down. But did it matter now?

Certainly, the only thing Lily could currently think about how much better this would all be on a bed in the warm when she could get his kit off.

Finally, Lucius seemed to make a decision, because he grabbed hold of Lily’s hand and started them back out of the Forest.

She couldn’t even find it within herself to be a little annoyed by the fact he made her wait outside for ten minutes before following him down to the dungeons (though not before he’d adjusted himself to hide his erection beneath his robe) — it seemed only reasonable to not be seen together, with it being just after lunch time and therefore the foyer would be chock full of students. And did she really want any particularly gossipy fifth year telling the whole school she’d been seen sneaking down to the dungeons with Lucius Malfoy? Or worse yet, if _Remus_ saw them?

When she got down to the Dungeons, Lucius was stepping from foot to foot in front of the Slytherin entrance.

“Coast clear?” she said.

He nodded, and led her inside. She was being led about a lot today, by Lucius, and she didn’t mind one bit.

Just as Lily opened his bedroom door, a door opened on the other side of the Common Room. Lily ducked inside Lucius’ room as quickly as she could, hoping and praying that she hadn’t been seen.

“Lucius?” the student called.

Lucius stopped in the doorway. And Lily crouched to the side of the door so the stranger couldn’t see her. She watched with some amusement as Lucius’ expression twisted from horror, to exasperation, to pure impatience and finally to the smooth, public-ready smirk as he turned towards the boy.

“Marcus,” Lucius drawled, and leaned casually against the doorframe.

Marcus, Marcus… Lily remembered now that Marcus Turnbill was the Slytherin Head Boy.

“Is your friend a Slytherin?” the boy named Marcus asked. Lily breathed out. Clearly he hadn’t gotten a good look at her, even if he did see her.

“Excuse me?” Lucius asked. Lily shook her head, even though Lucius couldn’t see her. Stupid to try and play dumb when he had been caught red-handed with her.

“Your friend — the one who just scooted into your room, is she a Slytherin?” Marcus repeated, this time with an edge to his voice. “I thought I’d told you about bringing non-Slytherin’s into the dungeons. It’s really not on, you know.”

Marcus was doing his best impression of a teacher, and Lily imagined he was puffing up his chest, and probably levelling Lucius with a disapproving glare. If she didn’t hate him already from keeping her from Lucius’ bed, she certainly did then, hearing his patronising tone.

“Marcus, I assure you, she is a Slytherin,” Lucius said smoothly, as if he really believed it. “I didn’t realise you were keeping such a close eye on my bed mates, though. If you’d like, I could try setting you up with a few girls of your own. I’m quite sure that would keep you more entertained than trying to police your fellow classmates.”

“Lucius —“

“I get it, Marcus,” Lucius said. Lily watched him wave a hand in the boy’s general direction. “No non-Slytherins. Can I go now, please?”

There was a pause, and Lily heard Marcus sigh.

“Fine.”

That was all Lucius needed apparently, as the next moment, he had shut the door behind him.

“All these girls you’re bringing back here, Lucius,” she said softly, coming over to put her hands on his hips. “Should I be jealous?”

He gave her a surprisingly serious glare.

“None while I’ve been with you, I assure you.”

She rolled her eyes, as if she hadn’t been being serious at all. But her chest flooded with relief nonetheless. She hated it.

“Now, where were we?” she said, hoping to hide her feelings, bury them beneath lust. Such an easy mask to slip on — or, easier at least than admitting her fears.

“Hmmm,” Lucius said, trailing a hand up her side. “I think, there was some grinding and groaning involved.”

“I think you might be right,” Lily said.

She reached between them and began to unbutton his shirt, and wondered at her own fingers shaking. He stopped her, gripping her hands.

“Are you okay?” he said. “If you don’t want —“

“No, I do want,” Lily said, returning to unbuttoning him. “I really, really want.”

“But?”

Lily looked up at him. “But what?”

“That’s the kind of statement, Evans, that is usually followed by a ‘but’.”

Lily thought for just a second. She would love, more than anything, to tell him that yes, there was a but. And that ‘but’ was the sudden fear that this was becoming more serious to her than she ever intended to let it. And she didn’t know what had changed it, or when it had changed, but she hoped she could wrestle it back and just enjoy the time they had together now instead of ruining it with something as stupid as feelings. And that she hated that it had taken someone else, namely Remus, being disappointed in her to make her realise that she wasn’t thinking straight and that this — all of this — was not who she was. She wasn’t someone for creeping around in the shadows, for keeping secrets, for doing things she might be ashamed of being caught doing. There were a million things she would have liked to say.

Instead she gulped.

“Just got a bit spooked, is all, by almost being caught.”

Lucius’ smirk returned. “Really? I rather liked the thrill.”

He leaned down and kissed her, softly at first. She leant into it, tried to concentrate on the feeling of his lips, the flick of his tongue. It only took seconds to melt into the warmth of him, to shake the thoughts loose from her head. She took his bottom lip beneath her teeth and bit. He growled.

Before she could even let out a small yelp, he had scooped her up and was striding across the room to deposit her on the bed. She giggled as she collapsed onto the mattress. It smelt so strongly of him, too, that musk and leather and soft fruit. He reached down, pulled her top off, and then scrambled to get his own shirt over his head, not bothering with the buttons at all.

“Now who’s the impatient one?” she asked, laughing as he got his head stuck in the collar.

“And look where it got me.”

“Come here,” she said.

He growled again, this time in more exasperation. He was thrashing like a cat who wanted to be set down, and she could barely get a hold of the collar.

“Will you stop that?” she said. He stilled long enough for her to undo a few of the buttons, and pulled the rest of the shirt on. His face was pink beneath it, but he was grinning.

“I really don’t know how you resisted me for so long, Evans, when I pull smooth moves like that,” he said.

“I really have an iron will,” she sighed dreamily. Then she laughed. “Come here and kiss me.”

He didn’t hesitate. While they kissed, she felt one of his hands trail down to start undoing his trousers, and she swung her feet over the bed to shimmy out of her own.

Once they were in their underwear, he gentle pushed her back, crawling to crouch over her. His body was tantalisingly warm, but just held inches above her. She arched her back to feel him more solidly against her, and wrapped her legs around his hips to bring him closer. She grinned as he moaned.

“Can I?” he whispered into her mouth, one finger trailing lightly across the elastic of her knickers. She nodded, breathe light and fluttering from anticipation.

He pulled them down to do so, and slipped his own pants off. She couldn’t help but be impressed, to see his erection. She thought she had exaggerated its grandeur in her memory. But all she wanted was for him to bury it inside her again.

He half-stood at the end of the bed, watching her carefully, his eyes drinking in every part of her. She groaned in frustration, in having to wait for him.

“Hold on,” he said.

“What could you possible be waiting for?” she said, flopping her head back to stare at the ceiling.

“Do you know how many times I’ve imagined you like this in the last few days, Evans? Every single night, every single morning, and half the time in between. I just want to make sure that, from now on, I get all the details right when I’m imagining it.”

She slapped her hands to her face, trying to cover the blush and the stupid grin that had spread across her face.

“You are terrible,” she said.

“Oh, am I?” he said, and she could hear that he was grinning from his voice.

“Yes!”

Then she felt his deft, thin fingers trailing up her thigh, touching the sensitive skin around her privates, and she let out an involuntary gasp.

“Am I still terrible now?”

“Yes,” she said, but her voice was shot with desire.

He trailed a finger up her slit, with just a last-second brushing of her clit that elicited a soft cry from her.

“So I assume you want me to stop?” he said, his voice all honey. His fingers brushed lightly up and down her, and she arched her back, trying to press into her hand.

“Yes,” she said. She didn’t sound very convincing, even to her own ears.

His fingers suddenly disappeared, and she pulled her hands away from her face to look at him. He was standing there, his face broken by a smug, satisfied grin.

“Fuck you,” she said, and reached up to grab his arm.

She pulled him towards her, and took hold of his erection in her hand. He let out a gasp that made her insides wobble. She liked having this effect on him, liked watching him tremble.

“Not so fucking smug now, are we?” she whispered in his ear as she danced her fingers up and down his soft skin, hearing his breathing come out in uneven rags in her ear.

“Language, Evans.”

She grinned. Even though the words sounded strained, he still couldn’t resist being a git.

It took a little persistence in her pushing his hip, but eventually she managed to get him on his back so she could straddle him. He looked up at her, his eyes shining in the candlelight, and he smiled. This time, it wasn’t even a smirk, it was just small and satisfied.

“Merlin, this is a good view,” he said, reaching up and cupping one of her breasts.

She pursed her lips, trying not to blush, and worse yet, to resist covering herself with her hands. The way he looked her up and down made her shiver and she both wanted him to take in the view, and wanted to hide from the intensity and presence in his eyes. She let out a shaky breath, remembering why she’d flipped them over in the first place.

She leaned down and kissed him, and struggled then to escape the warm refuge of his lips. But she did, and started to trail kisses down him — over the soft stubble of his chin and neck, smiling as she felt his adam’s apple bob under her mouth. Down his chest, taking the time to gently flick one of his nipples with her tongue, and smiling again at his sharp intake of breath. Then, further she went, kissing the soft downy hair of his chest and stomach, relishing in the little sounds he made as her breast trailed over his erection. She felt it twitch beneath her.

As she kept moving downwards, she felt him shift above her, and looked up. He was looking at her with curious eyes. Curious, and hopeful.

Her own breathing was a little ragged now. She hadn’t really gone down on many men before — well, just the one, and he had been a bit more aggressive than she would have liked, grabbing her head and thrusting into her roughly. She had no idea how good she would be — but she was quite sure Lucius had probably received enough blowjobs in his day to be a good judge. She didn’t need to be the best, either. Just…good.

She let out another shaky breath as she reached him, and he twitched as soon as she planted the very first kiss on it. She kissed it again, tentatively. She took her time, kissing it gently, then harder and hearing him hold his breath as he waited. She had wanted to take it in her mouth as soon as she had thought to even do this, but she also knew how wild he drove her.

After a few minutes of her kissing the soft skin, providing the occasional lick before going back to kissing around his hips, nibbling at his hip bones, he finally reached down, and she looked up at him. His face was screwed up tight.

“Please, Lily,” he said. “Please.”

His voice was thick with want, with desire, with desperation. He bucked his hips up towards her and she grinned. It was nice to feel like the one in control. She bit her lip, thought about teasing him some more — but the way he squeezed his eyes shut, she knew it would be torture.

So she slipped him into her mouth, and smiled around his cock when she heard the relieved and pleasureful gasp he let out, his head thumping back down onto the mattress. His fingers curled into her hair, but loosely. She went slow still, at first, but sped up when she couldn’t resist the little noises he made, the way his hips jolted slightly whenever her lips pressed hard against the head of his dick, and the shallow, uneven breaths she could hear him taking. It was making her wet, just knowing how much pleasure she was giving him.

“Fuck,” he whispered. She looked up to find that he was watching her intently, his grey eyes glazed with lust and yet so concentrated on her at the same time. She almost blushed, but she knew that would be ridiculous. Still, his eyes followed her head with each bob. “I’m getting close.”

She let out a little moan of acknowledgement. Suddenly, she was filled with the desire to taste him, to get him to cum in her mouth — something she had never really thought about before, hadn’t considered in any way a turn on. She had never let her ex do that. But she increased her speed, and was rewarded by a groan from him, his hand taking up a fistful of her hair and gently encouraging her movements. Then he was jerking into her mouth, and he let out a moan that was almost a whine and her mouth was full of his cum. She swallowed quickly, surprised by the heat of it.

When she was sure he was finished, she let his hands pull her up so she was level with him, her breasts pressed against his chest.

“Merlin, Lily,” he said, breathing heavily. She knew she was panting too. He caught her in a kiss, deep and grateful. “That was…”

She waited, but he didn’t finish his sentence. That made her grin all the wider — Lucius Malfoy, speechless. She had definitely done a good job, then, thank goodness.

Still lying flat on top of him, Lily nestled her head into the crook of his shoulder. She inhaled deeply, pleased to fill her senses with his musk.

“Thank you,” Lucius said at last. He kissed her neck, and she giggled as the soft bristles of his unshaved chin brushed against her. “I’ll be ready to go, again, in a bit.”

“Okay.”

The feeling of his chest rising and falling beneath her, his hair tangled against her face, his strong fingers drawing patterns into her back. For once, she was happy to wait.

***

It had only taken Lucius five, maybe ten, minutes to recover, and it had been his turn to make her groan. Now, as he lay on top of her, the deed done, they both breathed heavily into each other’s necks. Lily felt him shift near her ear, and he whispered, so quietly at first she thought she might have imagined it: “You’re a very dangerous thing for me, Lily Evans.”

When she was sure she had unscrambled what he was saying, she replied, “Is that right?”

She was smiling, but she stopped when he moved onto his elbows and looked her in the face, his eyes dark and serious.

“That’s right.”

“And why’s that?” she said, hoping the quiver in her voice wasn’t obvious. What was she even nervous about? She wasn’t sure.

“Because I tend to lose my senses around you,” he said slowly, like he was drunk though she knew it were more likely the fatigue of coitus washing over him. “And want things I shouldn’t want.”

Her heart twisted violently in her chest, so hard she thought she might shudder, but she managed to hold onto herself.

There was so much she wanted to say to him, the words were right there behind her teeth, waiting for her to open her mouth. But she couldn’t do it, because she didn’t know how far and deep those words would go, and how serious they might become. She couldn’t even comfort him, like she wanted to, to say that she, too, wanted things she shouldn’t. And to ask, hoping the fear wouldn’t be plain in her voice, what those things he wanted were, and were the same as hers.

So she said nothing, but nodded gently and hoped her eyes let him know she felt the same — but that they didn’t give away how much she felt them.

He frowned at her for a moment and considered the lines of her face. Then he pulled out of her, and lay next to her. He shuffled one arm under her neck, and held her. Not tightly, gentle in fact, but firm. Solid.

“You can stay the night, if you want,” he said, but he said it quickly, like a throwaway comment about the weather.

She gulped. Every part of her wanted to remain there, wanted to be there, wanted to wake up in his arms like she had the first time they’d slept together.

But she knew if she gave in, it would only hurt her more. That she would imagine what it was like to wake up there every morning, if only he would let her. If only she would let herself.

She shook her head. “I think I’ll go back. People will notice if I don’t come back tonight.”

He nodded, and she felt it against the top of her head.

She turned and kissed him, gently. He kissed back just as gently. There was something shaken, something fragile between them now and Lily wasn’t sure what it was but she was scared to crack it, scared of what was under it. She took a deep breath before she gather her things. He watched her as she peered out his bedroom door, checking that the Common Room remained blissfully empty; it did.

“Goodnight,” she whispered to him.

“Goodnight, Lily,” he said, his eyes still focused on her shadowy form.

She slipped out of his room, and then out of the Slytherin dungeons. She was grateful not to meet anyone on her way back, and that even Remus had seemingly gone to bed already; or, at least, wasn’t in his usual spot on the sofa. It was like all of Hogwarts was just as weary as her, just as ready to curl up under their duvets and to cry softly about — about what she wanted to cry about, Lily wasn’t exactly sure. But she knew she wanted to, and she did, when she eventually got into bed. Not great racking sobs or even anything near as grand. More a stray few tears that wet her pillow before she fell asleep.


	11. Quiet Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sneaking Kisses, Platonic Loves and A Drink at the Pub

Lily was feeling better when she woke up in her dorm room the next morning. She stretched out like a cat on her bed. While it did often feel lonely, there were some advances to not having Seph and Maddy there beyond the obvious “they couldn’t ask her questions about where she was all night and worm the answers out of her under threat of hex” (or, at least, that would definitely be the tact that Seph would take). One of those advances was that she had time to actually think, rather than being swept up in the rush of the mornings as they all tried to get ready while trading whatever gossip they’d heard the day before and did they think so-and-so was getting off with that other so-and-so.

Which was not to say she didn’t like those kind of mornings — she enjoyed them a lot. But today was the kind of day where, upon waking, she had to swing back her covers and say loudly to herself: “Stop being such a damn fool, Lily Evans.”

There was some kind of magic, she thought quite often, to saying things out loud. Almost like they didn’t need to be true, couldn’t be proven, if you kept them inside. And you certainly couldn’t take any action until they were all hanging out there, likes words in a speech bubble, tangible and less nebulous.

At least, that’s what she wanted to think, because telling herself to be less of a bleeding idiot definitely put more of a spring in her step.

She went to shower, scrubbing some of the memories of last night off her skin. Good memories, memories she knew she would return to often. But, memories that were no good to her now. Quite the opposite in fact. They were a hole for her to fall in, if she let them.

She was pleased to find Remus waiting for her in the Common Room, and she linked arms with him so they could go down to breakfast together.

“Why, isn’t someone chirpy as a tit this morning,” he said brightly once they were outside the Fat Lady.

Lily grinned. “And what if I am?”

“Well,” Remus said slowly, as if he was really taking the time to think about it and not just pulling her leg, “Well, then I’d have to surmise that a one Miss Lily Evans went and got herself laid last night.”

Lily’s eyes widened. She looked around her. Remus tutted and rolled her eyes.

“Oh as if everyone isn’t at it,” he said. “Besides, I’ve heard some rumours about you before, and they were more scandalous than spending the night with a classmate.”

Lily laughed, until she realised what kind of rumours might be spreading right at this moment, if anyone had ever caught a glimpse of them — or if Sev had vented at any Slytherin classmates about she and Lucius spending time together.

“What kind of rumours?”

“Oh you know,” Remus said airily as they mounted the stairs together, “that you’re having it off with a centaur in the Forbidden Forest, that Seph is secretly a succubus that feeds on you, that sort of thing.”

Lily cackled.

“Is the centaur cute at least?”

Remus shook his head. “I always forget how shallow you are. Maybe this centaur just has a very nice personality.”

Lily stuck her tongue out.

“Unless he looks like Professor Davenport, I want no part,” Lily said.

Remus eyed her carefully. “Please tell me your little romance is not with Professor Davenport.”

“No! Merlin, Remus, what do you take me for?” Lily said. “But he is cute!”

“He’s cute, but he’s also the most slimy man I’ve ever met, and I’m best mates with Peter.”

They made their way across the Great Hall to the Gryffindor seats, and Lily was pleased with how easy it was to stop herself from glancing over at the Slytherin table. Half determination and half being distracted by Remus was the perfect recipe for despondent feelings that were trying to curl out of her chest. She just would not have get silly over a man. No way.

“So,” Remus said. He reached over and started to prepare himself a breakfast plate, but his eyes kept flicking up to meet hers.

“What?” Lily said.

Remus gave her a withering look. Apparently her feigned-innocence was not convincing enough.

“Don’t be coy with me, young lady,” Remus said, spearing a sausage on his fork. “Where did our favourite young man take you yesterday that was worth the secret?”

Lily bit her lip. There was no passive aggression or chiding in Remus voice, not that she could detect, but she was more than capable of inserting her own regardless of how Remus actually felt. She was still embarrassed to have been caught in her lie the day before.

“We just had a wander,” she said slowly, watching him carefully. “Around Hogsmeade. And then it snowed, which was nice.”

“And then?”

“And then, you know.”

Remus pursed his lips. “It’s very boring to be a secret keeper if you don’t give me any juicy details, you know that?”

“Fine, then we went back to his room, and it was _fantastic_ ,” she said. She let out a very exaggerated exasperated sigh and started eating her own breakfast. She ignored how sharp the images that flashed in her mind were as she thought of Lucius, laid out on his bed below her, and how much it made her heart beat faster.

Remus grinned.

“Okay, I can work with that,” Remus said. “So I take it then that this confirms he’s not a Gryffindor, since I was in the Common Room for most of yesterday… Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, that’s the question.”

Lily gaped at him. “I thought we agreed you weren’t going to try and guess!”

“I know, but Lily, it’s too much fun to watch you squirm when I threaten it!” Remus said. “Besides, any guessing would be purely conjecture at this point.”

“Oh yeah?” Lily said.

“Yes, and I want to be sure I’m right,” Remus said. He popped a piece of fried toast in his mouth, and around it said: “I like being right.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes, before Lily said, “Sometimes I think I might have made a grave mistake, entrusting my secrets with you.”

Remus grinned.

“That’s not a compliment,” she said, glaring at him.

“I know,” he said, waving her off. “But I don’t usually get to be the mischievous, annoying one. Usually it’s James or Sirius. It’s all very exciting.”

Lily couldn’t help but grin back.

“So, do you have a date lined up today, or do I get you to myself?” Remus said. “I’ve been forced to finish my homework _and_ spend time with people I barely like. When are you going home?”

“Tomorrow,” Lily said, biting her lip. She had been trying not to think about it. “I’m back straight after.”

“So is half the school, so while we’re free of them, namely James — and I know he’s the reason we don’t usually spend a lot of time together, don’t try to deny it—“

“I would never, you know I loathe him.”

“Well, then it might be nice to hang out. If, of course, you’re free of any romantic obligations.”

Lily bit her lip. She did want to spend time with Remus, and knew it was the best decision she could make. But her heart also tugged every moment she thought about agreeing. What if Lucius wanted to see her today? Remus was right, half the school would be back immediately after Christmas, and Lucius and she might not have as much time to spend together.

Of course, she was meant to be taking this less seriously anyway. They weren’t going to be together forever. So what was the point, truly, on clinging for dear life to every spare minute?

But it was hard to let go of the idea that last night might have been the last night they spent together.

A little, troublesome voice whispered in the back of her head: she could always arrange to see him that evening. One last time before she was back at home, wrapped tightly in the cloaks of the Muggle world.

“Okay,” she said at last. “Let’s do something together.”

Remus beamed.

“I’m going to ignore how reluctant you sound, and just be happy about it,” Remus said, sticking his chin out.

“Awh, I’m not reluctant, just—“

“I know, I know,” Remus said, waving a hand at her. “You think I haven’t been love sick before? It’s hard to convince yourself to spend any time away, even with people you like. Or, at least, I assume you haven’t been hanging out with me just so you can avoid the rest of our House, and secretly you despise me.”

“Ah yes,” Lily said, shaking her head. “I do tend to confide in the people I hate most.”

“That’s what I thought.”

After they’d finished the rest of their breakfast, they agreed to go down to Hogsmeade to see if Remus was right — that despite being students, the fact they were both already eighteen might allow them to buy alcohol at The Three Broomsticks — but not before Lily broke off from him as they exited the Great Hall. She had seen that Lucius was still sitting at the Slytherin table. She paused long enough to give him a meaningful smile before she left.

She stood to the side of the doors of the Hall, and waited for him to finish up.

He had been talking to a quiet-looking boy who Lily could have sworn was related to Sirius through some confusing way — she could never quite grasp the old Wizarding family trees. They all seemed to be related to each other somehow, if not by blood than marriage. She wondered — had any one of them married a Muggle before? Had they even so much as _dated_ one? Sirius certainly had, she’d seen him cosy up to more than one Muggle in the last few years, before she knew that he was a special case. Had overheard him bemoaning his crazy family. And, well, the Gryffindors in general had a different attitude to those older Houses that seemed to only ever get sorted into Slytherin.

Lily pursed her lips. Then, her eyes widening as she realised where her thoughts were inevitably leading her, she shook her head to clear them. What did it matter if purebloods didn’t normally marry Muggles? That was no concern of hers. Absolutely none.

“Stop being such a damn fool, Lily Evans,” she said to herself again. It didn’t have quite the same effect, but it certainly steeled her enough to slide down the wall, and sit on the floor next to the plates of armour, doing her best to instead think about her upcoming day out with Remus.

A few students wandered out of the hall, but none seemed to pay her much mind or even see her. After almost five minutes, he came out, still talking to the same quiet boy.

“I’ll be down in a bit,” Lucius was saying. “Just going to get some fresh air.”

The boy didn’t even reply, just gave Lucius a curt nod as if he were a professor rather than a classmate, and off he went towards the stairs to the dungeons.

Lucius walked past her and out of the doors, pretending he hadn’t seen her. Lily followed.

The wind was chill against her thin clothes — she hadn’t brought a coat with her — but it was also refreshing. He stopped just behind a bush, that would keep them out of sight of any windows.

“Bit risky, isn’t it?” Lucius said. She was about to come back with some passive aggressive remark when he wrapped his arms around and her gave her a quick kiss, his mouth warm in the frigid cold. “I thought you didn’t like the idea of being caught?”

She smirked.

“Now, what couldn’t wait?” he asked, his arms still squarely planted on her hips.

“I was wondering if you were free tonight,” she said “I’m going to busy all day today, and I can’t really see you, but I’d like to spend some time together before I leave.”

“Christ, is tomorrow Christmas Eve already?” he said, frowning. “Of course I’m free. I wouldn’t want to miss you before you leave.”

“Do you think,” she said slowly, testing each word like it might collapse under her as she spoke, “we could go back to your room too?”

Lucius’ face split into a grin. “How am I meant to refuse that? Yes. Meet me in the Potions room?”

She got onto her tiptoes to plant a peck on his lips.

“Let’s.”

***

The day was spent in Hogsmeade, then. She and Remus had got there at a brisk pace, arm in arm after Lily almost toppled over in the wind. She bought sweets at Honeydukes, given that she hadn’t had the opportunity to yesterday, to take home to the family. She went with Chocolate Cauldrons and Liquorice Wands — they seemed like the safest, least strange and frightening bet. She’d taken them home before, and her family always liked them — or, well, her parents seemed enthusiastic and ate at least a few, even if Petunia turned her nose up.

And Remus had been right, she had discovered when she sat with him at the back of The Three Broomsticks, fire whiskey in her hands.

“This is disgusting,’ she said, screwing up her face. “ _Why_ is everyone so eager to drink it?”

Remus shrugged. “We all want what we can’t have.”

Lily pulled an even more dejected face, without meaning to. She tried to right her features in time, but Remus was paying too close attention.

“Hitting a little too close to home?” he said. He sounded, at least, apologetic. “Please tell me lover boy hasn’t been playing hard to get.”

Lily shook her head.

“But you know, you were right the first time about him,” she said.

Remus’ eyes widened. “Please don’t tell me I guessed him at some point and didn’t even realise.”

“No,” she said, swatting at him.

She looked around; The Three Broomsticks had only two other Hogwarts students in it, two girls she didn’t recognise in in Hufflepuff scarves, but they were all the way across the room. Probably there more to enjoy the warmth of the fireplace, given the way one of the girls shivered. There was a man she didn’t recognise sat at the bar, but he seemed far more interested in his drink than he did in anyone else. And finally, Madam Rosmerta flitted about behind the bar. She had an eye on them, but she always seemed to pay close attention to her younger clientele.

It wasn’t that Lily was necessarily worried about anyone overhearing — nothing she said, she hoped, would make her suitor obvious. But she didn’t need _any_ gossip about her spreading, false or half-truth or otherwise. Well, none that were close to the truth, anyway — she was excited to tell Seph about the succubus one, Seph would revel in that role. Anything that intimidated their classmates brought joy to that girl.

“That’s not what I meant,” Lily said finally, sure they were alone. “I just meant, what you said. About whether I would want to marry him or date him. Because, suddenly, I find myself wanting that.”

She paused, watching Remus’ face, waiting for him to roll his eyes or make a joke of it. She fully deserved it, even if her heart thudded a little louder waiting for his reaction.

Instead, he reached out and put his hand over hers.

“Oh dear,” he said, his eyes glittering with sympathy. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, but it sounded hollow, false in her ears. “I think a few days away should cure me, right?”

Remus nodded, but his face was still twisted in worry.

She put on a more convincing smile, even felt it a little. It would be fine. How many times had she told herself that so far? And it would be. It had to be. If it wasn’t… No. It would be fine.

“Honestly, don’t worry about it,” she said. “Besides, what is the point of being our age without a little heartbreak?”

That seemed to brighten Remus’ mood. He nodded, and took a swig of fire whiskey.

“Too true,” he said. “And at least now we know where we can go if we need to drown our sorrows, right?”

“Exactly!”

But his hand returned to hers.

“Just…let me know, if you want to talk,” Remus said. “And you should know — I’m not going to tell the boys about this.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t think—“

“I know I said, when you first asked me for advice, that I tell Sirius mostly everything, but not this, you know? This stays between us.”

Remus was smiling but his eyes were set and firm. Lily thought for a moment, then nodded. A little warmth bloomed inside her, and it wasn’t from the whiskey.

“Thanks, Remus,” she said. “Seriously. I don’t know what I’d have done without you here.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have given you the rotten advice to go ahead with the whole endeavour,” he said, flicking a hand up as if to dismiss her sincerity.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot the part where you put me under the Imperius Curse,” she said snarkily. She took a sip of her own drink, and screwed her face up. “Ugh, I do blame you entirely for making me drink this shit, though.”

Remus grinned. Then he sighed. “The next few days are going to be dull as dishwater, though, without you and your salacious gossip.”

“I’m so sorry I’ll be depriving you,” she said. “I’ll miss you.”

He squeezed her hand.

“I’ll miss you too.”


	12. The Night Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Eve-Eve, Cold Dungeon Floors and the Sudden Appearance of Courage

Lucius was already in the Potions room when Lily made it down there, after everyone else had seemingly gone to bed in Gryffindor. Most of her classmates would travel home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so sensible students had an early night ready for the journey back to King’s Cross, and onwards from there. The carriages — she shuddered to think about how, now, she knew that they weren’t really flightless — would bore them to Hogsmeade Station bright and early. Lily didn’t think she’d be bushy tailed for it, though, not if she wanted to spend the last few untarnished moments with Lucius, before the whole thing fell apart.

Which it most certainly would, as soon as the castle was full of people again. They had been afforded the luxury of a small bubble, where nothing felt quite as real as it might if they were dodging questions from friends, or trying to make time for each other in between terribly long essays. A bubble where they were both together, and not together, depending on who was asked. Definitely more than friends — although Lily still strained to think of herself even calling Lucius a friend, before this, anyway. But she hoped, at least, that she would be able to call him a friend afterwards. Hoped that he both wanted to, and that she would have the strength to maintain that.

But what would friends with Lucius even look like? Would they still hide it away, behind closed doors? She would be his friend defiantly, like she was with Severus. No one would stop her there. But Lucius… She thought of his friends, the way she caught them looking at her sometimes. Maybe it was paranoia, thanks to every Daily Prophet article that made her feel like she might not always be welcome in the wizarding world. But maybe, just maybe…

But looking at him, illuminating by the glow of the candles in that dingy dungeon classroom, her heart clenched and she couldn’t help but push all her worries and doubts aside. Right now, she had this. Right now, they were still within the bubble. And wouldn’t she regret it? To worry about the future instead of sucking the marrow out of these moments?

“We forgot to set a time,” Lucius said, and his drawling voice made her shiver. Made her think of his ragged moans of her name in her ear.

Oh, this was no good at all.

“We did,” Lily said, smiling. She walked further into the classroom, but stopped by a cauldron halfway in. She would let him come the rest of the way. “Did you have a nice day?”

He smirked. “Do you want to hear about my day?”

“Yes,” she said carefully. She put her hands on her hips. “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.”

“You look cute when you do that,” he said, waving at her arms. He crossed the rest of the way to come stand in front of her, her peering up at him. He smelt of musk and strawberries and she wanted to kiss him so badly but she demurred.

“How was your day?”

He sighed. “It was okay. Nothing as exciting as yours, I hear.”

Lily frowned, her cheeks colouring.

“What does that mean?”

Lucius shrugged, and Lily thought it was meant to look nonchalant but it was anything but. “You know, if you get cosy in The Three Broomsticks, people are bound to see and gossip, well, you know…”

He was watching her carefully, but every few seconds, his gaze flicked to his feet. His mouth was twisted into a smile, but Lily was not convinced by it.

She laughed instead.

“You mean, Remus?” she said, shaking her head. “He’s my friend.”

Lucius held his hands out in front of him, as if warded off his defence.

“Hey now, whatever you get up to, we’re not, you know, we never discussed if we could —“

She took his hands in hers.

“You can’t be serious! Remus and I are literally just friends. Merlin, I only went for a drink with him!”

“I heard there was some hand holding,” Lucius said. His voice was quiet, embarrassed. Even in the candlelight, Lily was sure his cheeks were pink.

Lily laughed again.

“For about two seconds, because he was sad I was leaving for Christmas, leaving him with a bunch of Gryffindors he barely knows to eat his Christmas dinner with. Honestly, Lucius!” she said. She shook her head. “You know what gossip is like. Remus isn’t interested in me. In fact, to the best of my knowledge, he’s involved with someone right now.”

Lucius nodded, his face turning almost red — which Lily hadn’t been sure was possible before this.

“I’m sorry I made you jealous,” she said, reaching out and squeezing his arm.

He practically jumped out of her grasp, eyes going wide.

“No — I’m not — no, it’s just — well — it’s not _jealously_ ,” he said. He stopped, blinking at her for a few seconds before his mouth formed a hard line. Then he spoke again, his tone much more certain, his casual drawl infected his words: “It’s not _jealously_ , I was just wondering. Wouldn’t you wonder, if you heard I’d blown you off to cosy up with some girl?”

She looked up at him, and her mouth opened a few times, but she kept closing it. There was something worming its way inside her — anger, perhaps, but she wasn’t quite sure at what.

“Do you really think I blew you off?” she said, finally, not sure where to start on the rest of his question. Anything she did have to say was a discussion not best had the night before she left, she reckoned.

Lucius sighed, his shoulders relaxing a few inches. She was glad to see it. She hated when he spoke to her with the same self-control he exhibited around everyone else. When his public persona was on, she wasn’t sure she liked him very much, if she was being quite honest — but she shoved that thought away. Again, these things were not best examined tonight.

“No,” he said. “Sorry. I’m just tired. And well… I’m going to, you know—“

Lily waited, but he didn’t continue. His gaze left hers and his eyes instead roved her shoulders, as if inspecting them.

Could he be saying what she wanted to say to him? She pursed her lips as the seconds ticked by, but there was nothing gained where there was nothing ventured. So she said:

“I’m going to miss you.” Then she held her breath, and looked up at him.

His eyes slid back to hers, his eyebrows momentarily darting up in surprise. Maybe she had misjudged the situation. But then his lips curled into a smile and her stomach knotted in response. In the candlelight, with his hair falling in front of his left eye and that sly smile, it was easy to remember why she couldn’t resist him.

“I’m going to miss you too,” Lucius said. He leant down and planted a warm kiss on her lips. But he pulled away before he could return it. “Sorry for being weird.”

“It’s not that weird, is it, to wonder about what your — what your — what _I’m_ up to,” she said, and she looked down, hoping her hair would cover the reddening of her cheeks as she almost stumbled on what to call herself. Certainly not _girlfriend_. And yet “fuckbuddy”, as casually as her roommate Seph might say it, was inelegant and vulgar. “Anyway. Let’s forget it. I need to go to bed soon, I just want to spend some time with you.”

“Oh yeah? And what kind of quality time were you thinking?” he said, grinning at her.

It didn’t take them long before they were fucking the floor. And afterwards, Lily’s breath still coming in short puffs, she rolled onto her elbows and looked at him quite seriously in the dim dungeon light.

“So what happens? When I get back?” she said. She hadn’t wanted to ask, still didn’t really want to. But she imagined herself at home, wondering at that very question, and needling herself for being too cowardly to actually ask.

He propped himself up on his elbows to join her, and planted a soft kiss on her sweaty forehead. He didn’t complain about it.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly, and he sounded like he meant it. There was just the hint of resignation in his tone. “I wish I had a better answer for you.”

She shrugged. Or did her best approximation of a shrug while being propped on elbows. But she didn’t quite feel like he was being truthful with her. He must have some idea — he knew what he wanted out of this. She realised that he had dictated a lot of the terms, though he did always ask her. She didn’t mind, usually, so out of her depth that she didn’t even know what questions to ask, let alone the answers. But here, when it meant she would come back to the unknown after Christmas Day?

“I take it,” she said, then stopped, cleared her throat. It was harder to get the words out than she expected — harder not to sound too petty or whiny or needy. She tried again. “We’ll want to keep it secret, still, won’t we? That won’t change after Christmas, will it?”

She didn’t look at him while she spoke, her eyes trained dutifully on the wall in front of her. But she heard him sigh beside her, and she wondered, idly, how she had even gotten to this point. Where she lay on the cold, stone ground of the dungeons, trying not to come off too clingy, to a boy that three weeks ago, she would have said she liked but didn’t want to spend time with, even if he was good looking.

No, she had already told herself that this wouldn’t do! That’s why she had to know, what he actually wanted from her, so she could make decisions. So to hell with being needy. She raised her chin up, and rolled her head to the side to look at Lucius.

He was studying her face already.

“I don’t think so, Lily,” he said quietly. He reached up and stroked the hair that fell upon her shoulders, eliciting a shiver from her as his fingers danced lightly across her skin. His lips twisted one way and then the other, never quite forming a grimace. “But we could try, if you wanted to?”

Lily sat up, and put her top back on. It was getting cold, now the sweat was drying on her skin and Lucius was no longer wrapped around her. She took extra time, buttoning up the front of her blouse, before carefully pulling her jumper over her head and shaking out her hair.

That was the million galleon question, wasn’t it? Did _she_ want to go public about it?

Certainly, the thought of some of her classmates’ faces when they saw her making out with Lucius Malfoy gave her pause, but then that same thought gave her fire to do it. Who cared what people thought? She had never let the petty house rivalries get in the way of her friendship with Sev (indeed, it wasn’t her, in her opinion, who was driving a wedge between them).

“I don’t know, either, I guess,” Lily said at last, when she realised she didn’t have a good answer.

Lucius sat up next to her. “I don’t think we can know, not until the bubble is popped — until everyone is back. Right now, it doesn’t feel quite real, does it?”

Lily shook her head.

He leaned over and kissed her clothed shoulder.

“Then let’s talk, after Christmas.”

Lily’s eyebrows shot up. “Was there any doubt that we’d talk?”

Lucius made a noise in his throat.

“I obviously meant, we’d talk _specifically_ about this. There’s no way you’re getting out of telling me how your Christmas went,” he said, a grin appearing on his lips.

They lay there for some time, her head on his still naked shoulder, listening to his heartbeat faintly, feeling the warmth of his skin. Neither of them spoke, and Lily thought that Lucius was doing the same as she: savouring the quiet moment, trying to solidify every detail of his breath and the tickle of his chest hair against her cheek, in case it was lost after this night. Even the cold hardness of the stone beneath her was not enough to stop her lavishing in every second.

Finally, after maybe twenty minutes had passed, Lucius kissed the top of her head.

“You’ll get no sleep, if we stay down here any longer,” he said softly.

She groaned. “Can’t we just stay here forever?”

She listened to his laugh reverberate round his chest.

“As much as I’d like that, I think you’ll be sorry tomorrow morning.”

Lily huffed, and dragged herself up to sitting, and Lucius did the same next to her. She listened to the rustle of clothes as he got dressed, before finally getting up herself.

He was right of course; she _was_ far too tired already, and going home always required more energy than she expected.

At the door, she turned and stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

“Goodnight, Lucius,” she said. “Merry Christmas.”

And then, because she knew if she stayed she would surely get a bit silly and weepy, she began to walk away. But Lucius caught her by the wrist, and pulled her gently towards him. He wrapped her arms around her, and she heard him inhale the scent of her hair. It turned her insides gooey immediately. Was it possible, at all, that he felt even a fraction as strongly as she did?

“I’m going to miss you, you know,” he said, and she could hear the way his voice shook, for just a second as the word ‘miss’ slipped out, like he hadn’t expected. He pulled her even tighter.

She nodded into his jumper.

“Me too,” she said. “But with you.”

She stood wrapped in his arms for — she wasn’t sure how long, but it wasn’t long enough. Then she felt his grip slacken.

“Merry Christmas to you too,” he said, and he titled her face towards him, pressing his lips towards her. She really had to ask, some time, how he always tasted like strawberries. She pressed back. “Goodnight.”

She stood back, and was about to watch him walk away himself, before a rush of courage filled her. Or perhaps, rather than courage, it was actually a rush of emotion too strong for her to stifle, she wasn’t sure. One way or another, the words weren’t staying down.

“Lucius,” she said. He stopped, turned, his grey eyes shadowed in the hallway, but trained on her, as always. She took a deep breath. “I think I’m falling for you.”

She bit her lip. Couldn’t breathe again, could only watch his face. He blinked once, and then it was at its most unreadable, his lips making no shapes she could discern, his eyebrows remaining where they should be. But then she saw the faint line between his brows. What did that mean? That he was thinking of letting her down her gently? Or that…perhaps…

“I — “ he started, and then she watched his lips clamp down. He tried again: “I think I’m falling for you too.”

Her emotions were roaring through her, too many and too numerous to name, a jumble in her veins and ears and tasting like pennies in her mouth. It was about all she could do to say: “Okay. That’s good then. I think. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Lucius said. His face didn’t change, but she thought she detected something almost sheepish in the way he said it. But, given how loudly her heart was beating, it was possibly she didn’t hear anything over that.

She nodded once, turned on her heel, and walked back towards the staircase, her whole body trembling like a leaf. It took all her strength not to turn back, to see if Lucius was still there.

He felt the same. He felt the same. He _felt_ the _same_.


End file.
